Mistakes

I hate making mistakes.  I hate messing up.  It happens all the time, and I move on for the most part.  Some are so very minor and go un-noticed.  Other times, they tend to be a little bigger.  And everyone once in awhile, they are so huge that you feel that you've ruined so much of what your life should have been and should be.

Here lately I have had that very feeling... that I've made a HUGE mistake.  Yes, I've been learning a lot from it, but it kills me every day.  I don't always show it, but it is there for me.  It is a constant feeling of disappointment in myself.  Every day I wish things would have gone differently.  Every day I try to think of what I could do now to change those little mistakes that led to one very big mistake.  And then to realize that once I started to fix some things, I made another horrible mistake.  UGH!

I have issues.  It is so very true, and I don't know why.  But the worst part is knowing that I've hurt someone I care so much about; someone who is EVERYTHING to me.  The saying, you never know what you have until it's gone (or whatever it actually is) is so very true!

During the time Brandon and I were seperated and then divorced, I looked for him every where.  I thought about him constantly.  I drove by the house at least once a week.  I drove by his work all the time.  Even when I was "talking" to another guy that I knew wanted me, I thought about Brandon.  I may have put my interest in them some, but my heart and mind was with Brandon.

How could I have made the mistake I did?  How could I have not pushed through the hard times and done something to make it work?  Why didn't I fight like I should have?

I really don't have any answers.  Maybe I felt some pressure from those around me because they would hear about the times I was hurting.  Maybe I just thought he would finally show me that one thing I wanted, and do it on a big scale.  Maybe I thought change would be good as I tend to have a hard time sticking with anything.  No matter what... those didn't help me feel better.  Things didn't change for any kind of good.

No one should have ever been able to pressure me into anything.  No one should have known some of the hurt I felt as it was growing pains for our relationship.  He was trying to showing me what I wanted, but just in a different way and I was too blind to see beyond what I thought was supposed to be there.  And change isn't always good, and sometimes change isn't the whole thing, but just a part of it... ME!  I should have changed.

Every day I wish I could go back a year ago and start fixing things there... with us together!  I miss my marriage!  I miss having my best friend beside me!

Melanoma Part 3

I have surgery this Thursday, and we have no clue how it's going to go.  They can't tell me what to expect afterwards or during.  They know nothing until they actually get into surgery.  UGH!

A sentinel lymph node biopsy is going to be done at the same time which should be fun.  Below is what a sentinel biopsy could possibly look like with no issues.  And yes, I'm going in early for a nuclear medicine/radioactive injection prior to surgery at noon so that they can complete this.

Here's to hoping that it comes back negative meaning the cancer has most likely not spread to any other parts of my body, including the lymph nodes!!

Sentinel lymph node biopsy in a patient with melanoma. A radioactive substance and/or blue dye is injected near the tumor (first panel). The injected material is located visually and/or with a device that detects radioactivity (middle panel). The sentinel node(s) (the first lymph node(s) to take up the material) is (are) removed and checked for cancer cells (last panel). Sentinel lymph node biopsy can be done before or after the tumor is removed.

Melanoma Part II

Yesterday I met with my plastic surgeon to see what the next steps needed to be for this new adventure.  It was an interesting visit, and I'm not sure if things have completely set in or not.

Dr. Wittpenn said that the pathology report that Dr. Rowley had completed from the biopsy was not complete.  He is not sure of the exact level of melanoma.  What that means, is that as melanoma is now measured based on Breslow's which is looking at the thickness.  Right now, I am being classified as intermediate.  They will not truly know the level or how invasive this is until after surgery.

I will go into surgery on August 1st.  It will be an interesting day as not only will I have surgery, but I am also have this nuclear reactive medicine procedure done as well.  They will inject this stuff in my lymph node areas to kind of light them up so that we can see what has been effected.  They will also remove a couple of my lymph nodes through my armpit.  The worst I should see from this procedure is some fluid build up that my body will take care of.  YUCK!  I already sweat enough as it is.  :-/

This all starts about 9:30am that Thursday, and then I go into surgery at noon.  That's going to be a really long time without food and fluids!  It is outpatient, and due to the nuclear medicine, I have to be in the hospital.  Oh how I would rather be in an outpatient surgery center!

If it is any worse than what he is thinking or it has traveled, then the chances of me going to MD Anderson will become pretty high.  Melanoma is treated very different from other types of cancer as it does not respond to chemo.  Also, the biopsy of my lymph nodes will also help give us an idea of how long before it shows up again as you are never completely free of skin cancer.

I have also started putting a cream on a couple spots on my back to see if we can get them gone prior to anything worse happening.  At this moment, I haven't had any crazy reactions, but today will only be day three of application.  I'm hoping nothing crazy will happen, but the chance of them becoming very big, yucky scab areas is possible.  Depending on the reaction will decide if we use this same medication on my face or not.  Yea - I've had a spot on my face for a few years that Dr. Rowley is not excited about.  Oops.

Work and life is going to become interesting!  Surgery is a few days before a floorset and a week before tax-free weekend.  YIKES!  We are going to be an arm down.  LOL!  Also, I was told I couldn't dance for several weeks.  The location is not the most ideal, and could easily be opened up if I do too much.  :-(

I guess I better get serious on getting some things done at my house before I can't do it for awhile!!

Exist?

Do miracles exist?  Do things really work out for the best in life, or do people just say that to try to make you feel better?  Like in "He's Just Not That Into You" they talk about how mom's always tell little girls that when a boy is mean, it's because they like you, when in reality, they just can't stand you.

I feel like Mandy Moore in "A Walk to Remember".  Her only dream was to witness a miracle.  I would like one of those right now!  I would like for one thing good or one thing that I really want to go right.  But I have learned that I make that very hard as I screw up EVERYTHING!  If it's not one thing, it's another.  I hurt the people I care the most about, and I don't know why.  It's either by pushing them away, being rude, or just being stupid!  Yea - that's probably it right there... I'm just stupid!

Oh how I would love for one good thing to happen!  I know exactly what I want more than anything, but the rest would be nice too!  I'm tired of this horrible storm in my life.  I'm tired of effin' everything up!  It's killing me!!

Melanoma Cancer

This morning I finally got the results back from a biopsy taken almost two weeks ago for this "thing" on my arm that I've had for a few years.  We had hoped for the basic of basic cancers that are removed with no extra though, but that was not the case.  I have melanoma cancer.

Due to the location, I am having to go to a plastic surgeon.  He will review the paperwork, and decide how to move forward.  It will either involve checking out my lymph nodes or not.  And depending on the size and such will depend on how much cutting they have to do on my arm.  There really is no telling what could be there or not there.

... I'm scared.

Plans vs. Reality

Life... it's a funny thing.  It never goes how you hope it will go.  Plans usually never follow through, and dreams are just that, dreams.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I will always plan; I will always dream.  I will always try to help those around me with their plans and dreams.  It gives you something to look forward to, or something to enjoy as you know it brings happiness in those around you.  But it certainly can cause a lot of pain.

I am 30 years old (yikes, I'm getting old!), and no where close to what I had planned when I was younger.  Believe me when I say that I know life could be so much harder or worse in areas that I couldn't imagine, and I know that I am blessed in the fact that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach.  But my life, which is directed for me only, is one that I don't understand.

My plan was to be married and have four children by now.  My plan was to be teaching them so many things in life that only I could teach them.  My plan was to be the best wife.  My plan was to have been married in a LDS temple to a worthy priesthood holder who honored that role/calling.  My plan was to not be in East Texas except to visit family.  My plan was to be this ideal wife who had it all together, and what I didn't have together, I hid it well.  My plan was to be happy 95% of the time, and to deal with the crappy 5%.

I dreamed of white picket fences with a wrap around porch.  I dreamed of a celestial room with a baby grand that would allow for growth and peace in a crazy world.  I dreamed of girl nights out with my closest friends, and date night every week with my husband.  I dreamed of miracles.

It never mattered where I worked as the only work I wanted was my family.  It never mattered if I was super fashionable as I just wanted to be me.

How did it all completely change?  How did some of the things that once made me so happy turn out to be things that have brought me some of the greatest pains?  How did work and fashion become more important than family?  How did some of the people who I thought I was closest to turn out to be those who really are not ones to have around?

I am so blown away by how my life is today, and how I never would have thought I would be here.  I never imagined being divorced, and sitting in our old townhouse which is now just my townhouse alone.  I never imagined to suffer from depression and self-image issues on the level that I do.  The handful of friends I have, or at least the ones I believe are my friends, are ones I hold very close.  Struggle in life or have hard times come upon you, and you will truly see who is in your life to stay.

Life never goes as planned because reality beats it out.

Pity Party

Sorry... but I just have to get things out of my head, and typing is usually the best way for me.

I'm starting to realize how very few friends I have, and it stinks!  I'm starting to realize that I have NO life.  I work, I dance (which is about to also be a job), and I come home.  Some days I'm lucky enough to throw in a movie or dinner with Brandon, but that's not too often.  Which I'm starting to get tired of just dinner and a movie.  This stupid town needs something to do besides going to a bar!!!  It's really not helpful when you have people giving up alcohol, and that's the only thing to do around here at night.  Yea - no wonder so many people are alcoholics!  :-/

I still have appearance issues, but I just don't know what to do.  Eating healthy is typically more expensive which means, hard for me to do.  Working out is great, but gets boring when you do it alone or when you just aren't sure what else you can do.  I just wish I could accept how I look, but I just can't.  I've gained weight back, and it's driving me crazy!  I want to be thin!  I want to like what I see in the mirror!

Oh how I want a baby!  I want a family.  It's so hard when you can't get pregnant.  It's so hard when everyone around you are having babies.  It would just be nice to for once feel like something was right in my life or actually just working out.  Sometimes I think I want to just get another kitten or puppy, but then I remember how much the ones I do have drive me crazy sometimes.

It would just be nice for a day or a week or whatever to seem to go right.

Oh - and last thing... it really stinks that I never really celebrated my 30th birthday!  I have so many friends doing fun things or having friends throw them parties... I had none of that!  I will say I was thankful that a friend of mine took me out to eat and my parents did as well, but seriously!  Everyone said I should do something fun and exciting; yet, they didn't plan anything.  I'm sorry, but I don't think I should plan my own dang party!!

Seems like forever..

It has been forever since I've blogged.  And although I don't know if anyone reads any of my posts, it's still a great way to just thoughts out or memories somewhere as I don't journal like I used to/should/need.

Well several things have changed in my life that I guess I could share...

1) My divorce was final February 7 which was also 5 years since my Grandpa Dillow had passed away.  (April 9 was 5 years since my Grandma Dillow passed as well).

2) I let go of the gospel and everything I was working towards.

3) My best friend got married on 3/16... 3 days after what would have been my 3rd anniversary.  Needless to say, I tried to kill a lot of brain cells that weekend without even realizing what was happening.

4) I finally woke up to reality and what was important!!

5) I gave up alcohol about 5 weeks ago.

6) I sank and came out of depression.

7) I moved back into my townhouse, and have realized that I am VERY poor.  A second job is something I'm starting to look into or just really giving up food and life.

8) Giselle is coming up very soon, and it's going well!  I'm realizing how out of shape I still am.  :-/

9) I lost and gained weight, and it makes me NOT happy!

10) I started to date my ex-husband.

My brain is constantly going, and just trying to figure out life.  So many decisions to make and so many things to figure out.  I just don't know what to do in a lot of situations, and it just seems like I can't wrap my head around any of it.  Oh how I hope and pray some answers come quick!!!

Dream

Do you wanna know the real reason why I came here tonight? Because I knew this was going to be hard for you. And for the first time in a really long time I wanted to be there for somebody….
But I want you to know that I think you deserve…I think you deserve more than what you’ve settled for. I do. I think you deserve to be taken care of for a change. I believe that.
-Kevin on 27 Dresses

I SOOO want this one day!!!  I want someone to want to take care of me.  I want someone to be there for me, especially through the hardest moments of life.

Aries

So let me start off by saying that this is not something I typically follow or really believe in; however, it's interesting when it fits so well.  It kind of makes me want to hope in it all.

Now, I came across this when I was looking up palm reading.  I was looking up stuff on palm reading as back in 2004, I had someone kind of read my palm without me just giving it to him.  He made a statement that bothered me then, but now is just kind of crazy.  He said that I would be married twice.  Well, I'm going through a divorce and hope to be married again in the next few years... yea, I'm curious.

So here is my horoscope for this year... and yes, this fits me REALLY well!!

		MARCH 21 to     April 19 Sign: Aries Name: Ram Ruler: Mars
General Advice A powerful, passionate momentum is slowly building in your life, and your train is finally coming in. Through the remaining months of the year, your spirit will be awakened, an event that will transform your existence -- the many dimensions of your sparkling personality will suddenly blossom. Brimming in spirit and fiery determination, your rebellious heart will cry to be set free. As exciting and arguous your spiritual journey will be, it will not be the highest mountain you'll have to climb. For the Aries, an enduring love will come calling. Aries Attributes Qualities=Cardinal, Fiery, Masculine Zones=Head The Sun in Aries You are a go-getter. You are head-strong and sometimes even impulsive. Your ambition leads you to new ideas and goals. Your energy and enthusiasm is great, however you can also be quite blunt at times, and are inclined to get straight to the point. You always seem to give off the impression of urgency and restlessness. Your self-assertiveness and self-directed ambition makes being your own boss an idea you should definitely look into. Despite the fact that you may have a short temper, grudges are something that you never hold for long.

Learning

It is day 15 of the new year, and I have not really done anything towards most of my goals this year.  Maybe they weren't real goals; maybe I just didn't make them all that important.  Either way, I don't know why I ever make resolutions every year... they fall through!

I have tried to see the good in every day, and most days I'm pretty good at that.  There are some days that are more of a struggle, like today, but I really do try to see the good.

Today I seem to just be facing reality, and trying to not get sick.  I had plenty of sleep last night, so I'm not really sure what's happening.  However, I do know what's happening in my life, and it's a stress.

As of right now, I'm learning to be single again.  I am learning to be me.  It's not easy as I haven't just been myself in 3 1/2 years.  Right now, I am just in a limbo stage as I'm not married, but I'm not divorced.  I am just waiting on papers to be signed so that a divorce decree and court day can be set and things finalized!  I am so ready to just close this chapter of my life and move forward.

Moving forward is going to happen, and I'm not really sure what that is going to entail.  I know some of the things I want to do, but I just have to figure out if they should happen or not, or how to make them happen.

Work is crazy!  We are still short staffed, and I am getting burned out.  Seriously - I just want to get away somewhere and do NOTHING!  Oh how I keep hoping for good people to apply and actually complete their applications!!

Speaking of work... time for me to go back.  There's my update for now.

Moving Forward

2013 is an exciting year!  It really is.  This year I am moving forward, and I'm going to love life!  I'm going to be happy every day, and I'm just excited!  If it continues like it already has been, I just don't see how it couldn't be a great year!!

Happy Moments

So I wanted to start keeping a journal every day about things that are good from the day; however, I have already missed the first day.  :)  It's typical.  Well, I figured I would just blog about good/happy moments and try to keep it as often as possible.

The first two days of the year have been great so far!

January 1 -- I brought in the day with a group of friends, and it was fabulous!  I love knowing that I have people I can be around, and that support me.  We didn't go to sleep till WAY too late, and of course, I had to leave their house WAY too early for work.  It was fun just being with friends.

January 2 -- Today has been great!  I have a new manager, and I'm excited!!  I think I will get a vacation soon!  :)