Mistakes

I hate making mistakes.  I hate messing up.  It happens all the time, and I move on for the most part.  Some are so very minor and go un-noticed.  Other times, they tend to be a little bigger.  And everyone once in awhile, they are so huge that you feel that you've ruined so much of what your life should have been and should be.

Here lately I have had that very feeling... that I've made a HUGE mistake.  Yes, I've been learning a lot from it, but it kills me every day.  I don't always show it, but it is there for me.  It is a constant feeling of disappointment in myself.  Every day I wish things would have gone differently.  Every day I try to think of what I could do now to change those little mistakes that led to one very big mistake.  And then to realize that once I started to fix some things, I made another horrible mistake.  UGH!

I have issues.  It is so very true, and I don't know why.  But the worst part is knowing that I've hurt someone I care so much about; someone who is EVERYTHING to me.  The saying, you never know what you have until it's gone (or whatever it actually is) is so very true!

During the time Brandon and I were seperated and then divorced, I looked for him every where.  I thought about him constantly.  I drove by the house at least once a week.  I drove by his work all the time.  Even when I was "talking" to another guy that I knew wanted me, I thought about Brandon.  I may have put my interest in them some, but my heart and mind was with Brandon.

How could I have made the mistake I did?  How could I have not pushed through the hard times and done something to make it work?  Why didn't I fight like I should have?

I really don't have any answers.  Maybe I felt some pressure from those around me because they would hear about the times I was hurting.  Maybe I just thought he would finally show me that one thing I wanted, and do it on a big scale.  Maybe I thought change would be good as I tend to have a hard time sticking with anything.  No matter what... those didn't help me feel better.  Things didn't change for any kind of good.

No one should have ever been able to pressure me into anything.  No one should have known some of the hurt I felt as it was growing pains for our relationship.  He was trying to showing me what I wanted, but just in a different way and I was too blind to see beyond what I thought was supposed to be there.  And change isn't always good, and sometimes change isn't the whole thing, but just a part of it... ME!  I should have changed.

Every day I wish I could go back a year ago and start fixing things there... with us together!  I miss my marriage!  I miss having my best friend beside me!