There are two days left of 2012, and I am so glad! There have been good moments, and there have been some really crappy moments within this year! A new one is almost here, and I am ready. I have been starting to think about my goals for this year, and I really want some good ones.
What goals do you have? What are you New Year's Resolutions? Are they the typical lose weight, be a better person? Or do you have other fun goals?
So far, these are the goals I have...
1) Get in shape
2) Learn to cook
3) Finish The Book of Mormon at least twice
4) Get out of debt as much as possible
5) And my favorite... create a Gratitude/Blessing journal that I will write in EVERY day for the next year.
I used to write a lot, and I've stopped. And no, I'm not a great writer, and I know that. But it was a great release for me. With everything that's happening in my life right now, I need to start looking on the good and all the wonderful things that are around me.
2013 is still going to be a hard year, but I know that change will be for the better!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
5 days till Christmas
I am so ready for this holiday season to be done!! It's starting to hurt a lot, and I don't know what to do.
There are so many things that I'm confused about right now and it just seems like I can't really grasp any answers.
It's been just over four years ago that Brandon asked me to marry him, and I was so giddy and happy. Now, we aren't even really around each other and won't even spend Christmas together. I know I shouldn't ask, but why me. Why does this have to be my trial?!
There are so many things that I'm confused about right now and it just seems like I can't really grasp any answers.
It's been just over four years ago that Brandon asked me to marry him, and I was so giddy and happy. Now, we aren't even really around each other and won't even spend Christmas together. I know I shouldn't ask, but why me. Why does this have to be my trial?!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Maybe he's right
It is past midnight, and I am still not asleep. I'm so drained and worn out, and yet, my body doesn't shut off. It doesn't make sense as I got maybe three hours of sleep last night (6:45am-9:45am, off and on), and worked a full day. I have a long week with three days of 12+ hours. Why won't things just stop?!
Just found out another friend of mine from high school is having their first child. There are others having their second as well. I'm happy for them, but at the same time, it hurts. Even though I know no one has a perfect marriage and that there are certainly different struggles for everyone, it is hard to see people celebrating multiple years and moving forward while I'm not even at three years and we just... do nothing.
All I seem to be able to do lately is cry, and it hurts so bad. I keep hoping I'll get a phone call or a text, but nothing happens. I keep hoping that me trying to fight for this marriage for an extra two months was worth it, and yet, I just seem to keep hurting more and more with nothing changing.
God gives us things that we can handle, and nothing more... or so that's what people say. I've even said it myself. I used to believe that, but seriously, I can't handle this much more. It's tearing me up.
I want to smile again... really smile. Faking is starting to become way too easy. And all I keep thinking is... am I not good enough? Am I not worth the fight? What have I done to deserve this kind of pain? Two years of pain is way too long!!
Maybe he's right... this is all my fault. I did this because I was the one that left.
Just found out another friend of mine from high school is having their first child. There are others having their second as well. I'm happy for them, but at the same time, it hurts. Even though I know no one has a perfect marriage and that there are certainly different struggles for everyone, it is hard to see people celebrating multiple years and moving forward while I'm not even at three years and we just... do nothing.
All I seem to be able to do lately is cry, and it hurts so bad. I keep hoping I'll get a phone call or a text, but nothing happens. I keep hoping that me trying to fight for this marriage for an extra two months was worth it, and yet, I just seem to keep hurting more and more with nothing changing.
God gives us things that we can handle, and nothing more... or so that's what people say. I've even said it myself. I used to believe that, but seriously, I can't handle this much more. It's tearing me up.
I want to smile again... really smile. Faking is starting to become way too easy. And all I keep thinking is... am I not good enough? Am I not worth the fight? What have I done to deserve this kind of pain? Two years of pain is way too long!!
Maybe he's right... this is all my fault. I did this because I was the one that left.
Callings
We are all called to do different things in our lives. Some are called to be parents while others are not. Some are called to be teachers and others doctors. Each calling is different in life, and different from person to person.
In Church we are given callings and are asked to fulfill these callings to the best of our abilities. It is often fun and rewarding to serve in these callings. I have filled many... YW Secretary, Nursery Teacher, Primary Music Leader, Primary 2nd Counselor, Gospel Principles Teacher, Relief Society Secretary, Relief Society Education (1st) Counselor, Institute Counsel, Visiting Teaching Coordinator, YSA President, Primary Teacher, and Primary Secretary. I feel I am missing one or two, but they were probably minor and for a short amount of time. But needless to say, I've had my chance to serve in different ways. Some I loved and others I just do.
My all-time favorite callings were ones I had while at Westminster College. I loved being a part of the Westminster Ward, and serving those around me. I knew the members of the ward, and I loved them. I got to teach, and that by far was what I loved the most.
My calling now is a hard one for me as I don't really get to do much. I feel pointless and disconnected. I feel more of a burden than a support. They try to have meetings, and they have to make it work around my schedule. They want to have get-togethers, and yet, I'm never available. And one of the biggest parts is taking roll, and I'm not always there on Sunday. It's hard as I want to teach. I want to teach because then I can learn.
Oh well... it's what I am supposed to do; no questions asked.
In Church we are given callings and are asked to fulfill these callings to the best of our abilities. It is often fun and rewarding to serve in these callings. I have filled many... YW Secretary, Nursery Teacher, Primary Music Leader, Primary 2nd Counselor, Gospel Principles Teacher, Relief Society Secretary, Relief Society Education (1st) Counselor, Institute Counsel, Visiting Teaching Coordinator, YSA President, Primary Teacher, and Primary Secretary. I feel I am missing one or two, but they were probably minor and for a short amount of time. But needless to say, I've had my chance to serve in different ways. Some I loved and others I just do.
My all-time favorite callings were ones I had while at Westminster College. I loved being a part of the Westminster Ward, and serving those around me. I knew the members of the ward, and I loved them. I got to teach, and that by far was what I loved the most.
My calling now is a hard one for me as I don't really get to do much. I feel pointless and disconnected. I feel more of a burden than a support. They try to have meetings, and they have to make it work around my schedule. They want to have get-togethers, and yet, I'm never available. And one of the biggest parts is taking roll, and I'm not always there on Sunday. It's hard as I want to teach. I want to teach because then I can learn.
Oh well... it's what I am supposed to do; no questions asked.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Holidays
Christmas is just a couple weeks away, and I honestly can say I don't care. There is one thing and only one thing that I'm excited about, and that is spending time with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law.
My brother and sister-in-law are coming down from NY, and will be at my parents the evening of the 25th. I won't get to see them that much as I work the next day, of course, but I'll get to see them. We are also taking family pictures on the 27th. I'm excited as the last time we REALLY had family pictures were before Kevin and Shannon were even engaged. Actually, they are saying that they had only been dating for like a month. Guess we got lucky! :) She's always been very much a part of our family.
These pictures will probably be just as awkward as they were then as I'll be alone, and I never thought that would happen again. And oh how that kills me!! I could ask him to be a part of the pictures, but there wouldn't be any love between us or closeness. It would really just be dull. But I don't think he's even going to be in town as he's helping his parents move to Alabama and spending Christmas there.
We keep talking about trying to make things work, and we still see each other from time to time, but nothing is really changing. Honestly, we are just pulling further and further apart. He wants to move soon, and I don't want to move for awhile. I want the temple, and he doesn't even want the gospel. He wants to have guy nights every week, and I want to be a priority.
I never felt like I settled for him when I married him, but he certainly isn't the same person anymore. It's hard to see that change, and wonder if I was just blind three years ago when I said yes.
All I know is that the holiday season is already a hard one, and this makes it that much harder. Living alone is hard as I never thought I would come back to this. Dreams of the future are starting to become more and more of a single me instead of a married me. That kills me as one dream of mine involves having a husband.
I really don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, and I really don't know how it's going to all end. I know what I feel, but there is still so much confusion, or maybe just a lot of fear.
My brother and sister-in-law are coming down from NY, and will be at my parents the evening of the 25th. I won't get to see them that much as I work the next day, of course, but I'll get to see them. We are also taking family pictures on the 27th. I'm excited as the last time we REALLY had family pictures were before Kevin and Shannon were even engaged. Actually, they are saying that they had only been dating for like a month. Guess we got lucky! :) She's always been very much a part of our family.
These pictures will probably be just as awkward as they were then as I'll be alone, and I never thought that would happen again. And oh how that kills me!! I could ask him to be a part of the pictures, but there wouldn't be any love between us or closeness. It would really just be dull. But I don't think he's even going to be in town as he's helping his parents move to Alabama and spending Christmas there.
We keep talking about trying to make things work, and we still see each other from time to time, but nothing is really changing. Honestly, we are just pulling further and further apart. He wants to move soon, and I don't want to move for awhile. I want the temple, and he doesn't even want the gospel. He wants to have guy nights every week, and I want to be a priority.
I never felt like I settled for him when I married him, but he certainly isn't the same person anymore. It's hard to see that change, and wonder if I was just blind three years ago when I said yes.
All I know is that the holiday season is already a hard one, and this makes it that much harder. Living alone is hard as I never thought I would come back to this. Dreams of the future are starting to become more and more of a single me instead of a married me. That kills me as one dream of mine involves having a husband.
I really don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, and I really don't know how it's going to all end. I know what I feel, but there is still so much confusion, or maybe just a lot of fear.
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