I'm so tired of hurting! I'm so tired of crying! I'm so tired of not being able to breathe more often than not! Can you tell, I'm just tired!!
I read a conference talk this past Sunday during Sacrament meeting as I tend to have a hard time focusing on the speakers... sorry! And it really struck me! I even shared it with my dad, and it was something he really liked to.
It's Of Regrets and Resolutions by President Uchtdorf. Wow... it really is a wonderful talk. I have regrets in my life, and I even have the regrets listed in this talk. (I'll place them below so you can see them together.)
1) I wish I had spent more time with the people I love.
2) I wish I had lived up to my potential.
3) I wish I had let myself be happier.
I can look over the past almost 30 years of life, and see where I wish I would have done differently because of one of those three. Maybe things would be so much different now had I spent more time with the people I love, like Brandon, or had held onto the iron rod as I knew I should. Maybe things would be different if I would just stop having such high expectations for myself and appreciate what is there instead of what isn't.
So now I need to find my happiness amongst the craziness and pain! Life can be better, and I am the one that can make it better! But right now, it's hard and I need your prayers! Normally I don't ask for those, but I really need them!!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Limbo
As the days go by, I constantly wonder where my life is going to go. I wonder what I should be doing or not doing. Some situations become more awkward or hard, and others just become blank. Some moments because full of happiness and others stress and pain.
This year has been a very hard year for me, and I have to say, I am ready for 2012 to be over.
I began this year with the hopes of becoming a mom as Brandon had finally told me right before Christmas that he was ready to start a family. I knew what I thought that meant, but it wasn't the same as what he meant. The next couple of months were just filled with working two jobs and trying to figure out why we weren't trying for a family, really.
Our 2nd anniversary came in March, and we were able to get away for a couple of days. We had fun as we went to Six Flags again and ate at Saltgrass. Brandon told me that he really was ready to start trying for a family. I was excited as that's what I wanted so much. Of course, work kept going as it always does. People around me were pregnant, and I was not. I was not working two jobs anymore, and that was nice.
The summer rolled around, and life started to just get really hard. I traveled some for work, and loved it. Little did I know that Brandon hated it. It was work... not a vacation. Things started to get really hard for us, and I didn't know what was going to happen. I started to talk to a counselor to see what I could do to make things better. It helped a little, but it just wasn't changing. I really thought things were going to end between us at this point. We were pulling further and further away from each other. We were starting to be more honest and direct in the things we said or how we felt. Lies were starting to become truths, and they were hard to take.
Work kept going, and just seemed to get harder. Maybe it was just the personal life getting harder which made everything else hard. I don't know, but I started to lose a lot of happiness. My smiles started to become more fake every day.
I started to take ballet, and wow, that was amazing! It is amazing! I'm not the best, and certainly have a lot of room to grow. It's hard to make this almost 30 year old body do things that used to come so easily, and still does for those in my class. But it's something I always loved, and well, if you love it, you make it happen.
"Make it happen?" That's something we say so much, but love should just happen, not something you have to work at. And yes, ballet for me is a love and it happens... but not to the level I would like. But I work hard at it, and it starts to happen. My marriage... we still talk about just making it happen.
Have you ever wanted something so badly in your life that you could taste it, smell it, and feel it so deeply, and yet, it felt so out of reach? There are very few things in my life that I want so badly, but all of those things feel so very out of reach.
1) I want the temple! I lost it a few years back, and it kills me. December will be three years, and it has been three of the hardest years of my life.
2) I want a temple marriage... a marriage involving three people. I want a marriage that is full of love and happiness and honesty and common goals.
3) I want a family. It will be a process for me to get pregnant as I found that out this year. I will have to take medication to hopefully get pregnant, and I hate taking any type of medication. But I want to be a mother so much, and I always thought I would have my 4th kid by now or on their way. And yet, I don't even know when I'll get to have the first.
4) I want to dance. I forgot how much I loved dancing until I got back into it. Some probably think I'm silly for dancing at my age, but it's the one thing that makes sense right now. I wish it could be more of my life than just twice a week classes.
Truth, that's all I really want, and of course, different things play into each one of those desires, but they are the core of those things.
And my marriage hasn't always been horrible as we have had great moments, but where's the balance. I still don't know what's going to happen, and it's hard. The holidays are coming up, and I don't know what's going to happen. Will we be together, or will we be apart? Right now, neither of us feels married or single. We are in such a limbo, and it's the hardest limbo to be in. I feel like I should do something, but I have no clue what that something is. I feel so stuck.
This year has been a very hard year for me, and I have to say, I am ready for 2012 to be over.
I began this year with the hopes of becoming a mom as Brandon had finally told me right before Christmas that he was ready to start a family. I knew what I thought that meant, but it wasn't the same as what he meant. The next couple of months were just filled with working two jobs and trying to figure out why we weren't trying for a family, really.
Our 2nd anniversary came in March, and we were able to get away for a couple of days. We had fun as we went to Six Flags again and ate at Saltgrass. Brandon told me that he really was ready to start trying for a family. I was excited as that's what I wanted so much. Of course, work kept going as it always does. People around me were pregnant, and I was not. I was not working two jobs anymore, and that was nice.
The summer rolled around, and life started to just get really hard. I traveled some for work, and loved it. Little did I know that Brandon hated it. It was work... not a vacation. Things started to get really hard for us, and I didn't know what was going to happen. I started to talk to a counselor to see what I could do to make things better. It helped a little, but it just wasn't changing. I really thought things were going to end between us at this point. We were pulling further and further away from each other. We were starting to be more honest and direct in the things we said or how we felt. Lies were starting to become truths, and they were hard to take.
Work kept going, and just seemed to get harder. Maybe it was just the personal life getting harder which made everything else hard. I don't know, but I started to lose a lot of happiness. My smiles started to become more fake every day.
I started to take ballet, and wow, that was amazing! It is amazing! I'm not the best, and certainly have a lot of room to grow. It's hard to make this almost 30 year old body do things that used to come so easily, and still does for those in my class. But it's something I always loved, and well, if you love it, you make it happen.
"Make it happen?" That's something we say so much, but love should just happen, not something you have to work at. And yes, ballet for me is a love and it happens... but not to the level I would like. But I work hard at it, and it starts to happen. My marriage... we still talk about just making it happen.
Have you ever wanted something so badly in your life that you could taste it, smell it, and feel it so deeply, and yet, it felt so out of reach? There are very few things in my life that I want so badly, but all of those things feel so very out of reach.
1) I want the temple! I lost it a few years back, and it kills me. December will be three years, and it has been three of the hardest years of my life.
2) I want a temple marriage... a marriage involving three people. I want a marriage that is full of love and happiness and honesty and common goals.
3) I want a family. It will be a process for me to get pregnant as I found that out this year. I will have to take medication to hopefully get pregnant, and I hate taking any type of medication. But I want to be a mother so much, and I always thought I would have my 4th kid by now or on their way. And yet, I don't even know when I'll get to have the first.
4) I want to dance. I forgot how much I loved dancing until I got back into it. Some probably think I'm silly for dancing at my age, but it's the one thing that makes sense right now. I wish it could be more of my life than just twice a week classes.
Truth, that's all I really want, and of course, different things play into each one of those desires, but they are the core of those things.
And my marriage hasn't always been horrible as we have had great moments, but where's the balance. I still don't know what's going to happen, and it's hard. The holidays are coming up, and I don't know what's going to happen. Will we be together, or will we be apart? Right now, neither of us feels married or single. We are in such a limbo, and it's the hardest limbo to be in. I feel like I should do something, but I have no clue what that something is. I feel so stuck.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Selfish??
As life continues to move forward and different things happen in my life to me or those around me, I tend to ponder even more. I start to wonder more about my life and my dreams. I begin to think about where I've been and where I am going.
Life is far from perfect for me, and honestly, I will be shocked if I don't die during the holidays... just saying. Retail has done a number on me, and I can honestly say that I dislike the holidays greatly. I am sorry as I know many love them and I should too, but I don't. It because a very busy and hectic time, and this year, I have no clue what my holidays are going to look like. I have no clue what I will get ANYONE, or really any idea on who I should be buying for this year.
But back to my ponderings and dreams...
So I have this big dream of being a mother, and I really hope that one day it will come true. I mean, I know it will, but I don't want to be crazy old! But it's just something my heart desires so much, and children bring me so much joy.
I also have a dream of being my own boss and owning my own business. I keep thinking about a dance supply store, and it would be amazing! However, do I really want to stay in Nacogdoches? Is it the right thing for me to do? There are so many questions that go with this dream.
And one last thing that constantly comes to mind that I often wonder if I'm being selfish about, but I really want to make a difference. I want to be a positive influence on those around me. I want to do something that people remember. I want to be that girl that people say "go to Angela for this or that..." So many people have things they are known for or remembered by... I honestly don't believe I've done anything, and I don't know what I can/could do. :-/ Is it selfish to want to make a difference and have those around me actually remember me?
Life is far from perfect for me, and honestly, I will be shocked if I don't die during the holidays... just saying. Retail has done a number on me, and I can honestly say that I dislike the holidays greatly. I am sorry as I know many love them and I should too, but I don't. It because a very busy and hectic time, and this year, I have no clue what my holidays are going to look like. I have no clue what I will get ANYONE, or really any idea on who I should be buying for this year.
But back to my ponderings and dreams...
So I have this big dream of being a mother, and I really hope that one day it will come true. I mean, I know it will, but I don't want to be crazy old! But it's just something my heart desires so much, and children bring me so much joy.
I also have a dream of being my own boss and owning my own business. I keep thinking about a dance supply store, and it would be amazing! However, do I really want to stay in Nacogdoches? Is it the right thing for me to do? There are so many questions that go with this dream.
And one last thing that constantly comes to mind that I often wonder if I'm being selfish about, but I really want to make a difference. I want to be a positive influence on those around me. I want to do something that people remember. I want to be that girl that people say "go to Angela for this or that..." So many people have things they are known for or remembered by... I honestly don't believe I've done anything, and I don't know what I can/could do. :-/ Is it selfish to want to make a difference and have those around me actually remember me?
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