Plans vs. Reality

Life... it's a funny thing.  It never goes how you hope it will go.  Plans usually never follow through, and dreams are just that, dreams.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I will always plan; I will always dream.  I will always try to help those around me with their plans and dreams.  It gives you something to look forward to, or something to enjoy as you know it brings happiness in those around you.  But it certainly can cause a lot of pain.

I am 30 years old (yikes, I'm getting old!), and no where close to what I had planned when I was younger.  Believe me when I say that I know life could be so much harder or worse in areas that I couldn't imagine, and I know that I am blessed in the fact that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach.  But my life, which is directed for me only, is one that I don't understand.

My plan was to be married and have four children by now.  My plan was to be teaching them so many things in life that only I could teach them.  My plan was to be the best wife.  My plan was to have been married in a LDS temple to a worthy priesthood holder who honored that role/calling.  My plan was to not be in East Texas except to visit family.  My plan was to be this ideal wife who had it all together, and what I didn't have together, I hid it well.  My plan was to be happy 95% of the time, and to deal with the crappy 5%.

I dreamed of white picket fences with a wrap around porch.  I dreamed of a celestial room with a baby grand that would allow for growth and peace in a crazy world.  I dreamed of girl nights out with my closest friends, and date night every week with my husband.  I dreamed of miracles.

It never mattered where I worked as the only work I wanted was my family.  It never mattered if I was super fashionable as I just wanted to be me.

How did it all completely change?  How did some of the things that once made me so happy turn out to be things that have brought me some of the greatest pains?  How did work and fashion become more important than family?  How did some of the people who I thought I was closest to turn out to be those who really are not ones to have around?

I am so blown away by how my life is today, and how I never would have thought I would be here.  I never imagined being divorced, and sitting in our old townhouse which is now just my townhouse alone.  I never imagined to suffer from depression and self-image issues on the level that I do.  The handful of friends I have, or at least the ones I believe are my friends, are ones I hold very close.  Struggle in life or have hard times come upon you, and you will truly see who is in your life to stay.

Life never goes as planned because reality beats it out.