Well, turns out I just have a weird cycle. Comforting that nothing else appears wrong.
My doctor was going to put me on clomid and another prescription to help with ovulation, but I asked her to just me a prescription for Beyaz instead.
Yes, very different, but its the best thing right now. I want a family so bad. I want to experience pregnancy and labor and to become a mom. Just right now, Lexie and Squeaker are my babies. One day... One day.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Even more questions and worries!
Well, the appointment was... okay. I go back next Friday to discuss results and options. As of right now, I really have no idea of what's going on. I got left with "your brain and ovaries aren't connecting". That's how she approached it first, and then kind of pulled back from it. I really don't know, and it's so frustrating! There's a chance I have this new thing that's called PCOS.
It would be nice to just have one thing go right. To have one thing I truly desire in my life to happen. I just need that one happy moment. Welcome day 1 of I don't know how many of complete emotional break downs. UGH! I need a vacation!!
It would be nice to just have one thing go right. To have one thing I truly desire in my life to happen. I just need that one happy moment. Welcome day 1 of I don't know how many of complete emotional break downs. UGH! I need a vacation!!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
The lady doctor
Well, I get to go back to the lady doctor tomorrow, and I'm not excited. Now, this may seem a bit much so just note, I'm posting this more for me than anything else. I need to get my thoughts out about this.
My cycle has been HORRIBLE! I was going 43 days or so, and then it just started to get closer and closer. Okay, it didn't just shrink a little at a time. It went from 43 days to 17 days to 18 days to like 14 days. The closer it got to each other, the longer I was actually on my period. And now, I just finished up a 15 day period. Seriously, that's a really long time!
So I shared that with my doctor last week who obviously hasn't found anything wrong yet as she still did my typical lady doctor check and hasn't called me about anything. And then of course, we set up an appointment for an ultrasound and fasting lab work. I get to do those tomorrow morning.
What scares me the most right now is that I might be told I can't have children... that has always been my biggest fear. We have been trying for the past 6 months, and obviously, can't really plan for anything with my crazy body which doesn't go well with our crazy schedules.
It would just be really nice for things to go right, for once! It would be nice to get something I desire so much. I'm getting older, and well, it really just sucks that everyone around me is having children... even those who really don't need kids. Seriously, how is that fair or right?! But, I've learned that most things in my life never seem fair.
Brandon isn't worried, but he's not the one having to deal with all of this.
My cycle has been HORRIBLE! I was going 43 days or so, and then it just started to get closer and closer. Okay, it didn't just shrink a little at a time. It went from 43 days to 17 days to 18 days to like 14 days. The closer it got to each other, the longer I was actually on my period. And now, I just finished up a 15 day period. Seriously, that's a really long time!
So I shared that with my doctor last week who obviously hasn't found anything wrong yet as she still did my typical lady doctor check and hasn't called me about anything. And then of course, we set up an appointment for an ultrasound and fasting lab work. I get to do those tomorrow morning.
What scares me the most right now is that I might be told I can't have children... that has always been my biggest fear. We have been trying for the past 6 months, and obviously, can't really plan for anything with my crazy body which doesn't go well with our crazy schedules.
It would just be really nice for things to go right, for once! It would be nice to get something I desire so much. I'm getting older, and well, it really just sucks that everyone around me is having children... even those who really don't need kids. Seriously, how is that fair or right?! But, I've learned that most things in my life never seem fair.
Brandon isn't worried, but he's not the one having to deal with all of this.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Stuck
Have you ever just felt stuck? Have you ever felt like life wasn't bad, but it really wasn't all that great either? Yea, I'm so there!
I'm married. I have a home. I have my own car. I have a job. I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. I have my dog and cat. I have family near by. I have great friends. I have the gospel. I have a complete body.
Now, for many, those things would be great. Yet for me, I just feel stuck with it all. Let's look at it again which where my brain is...
I'm married. But yet I feel as if I'm not really married. We do not believe the same things or want the same things. It's not how I EVER imagined marriage would be. I have a home. My home is small with no real space. It is a townhouse, and there have been so many different issues with our HOA. I have my own car. Minus having to pay for the ever increasing gas and such, there's really nothing wrong with my Toyota Corolla S. Well... I'm kind of behind on having my car registered. Oops! I have a job. Oh, I so love my job! I love working for maurices, but at the same time, I feel like I'm doing a horrible job. I feel like I could be a better manager and doing so much more. Yet, I just don't know what. I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. These things are what seem to be what I go to for happiness or just to fill up space. I LOVE clothes! I even enjoy food. However, I hate cooking and cleaning. Maybe I just don't like having to cook for my husband, or maybe I just don't like it at all. I have my dog and cat. They are fabulous! A bit clingy at times, but they are pretty good. Minus the allergies with the cat, she's good. Lexie has always just been my baby. She turns 6 years old tomorrow! I have family near by. My parents live about 30 minutes away from me, and I'm so glad they are close. But I hate that I don't really get to spend much time with them. They are so special to me. I have my in-laws only a few minutes away as well, but it's just not the same. I hate that my brother and sister-in-law are in NY as I would really love to have that relationship grow. I have two nephews on Brandon's side, but I don't really get to see them. I have great friends. I really do have amazing friends, but yet, none of them live near me! It's so frustrating as I then get stuck at home, and some of them, I don't really ever get to talk to unless I am home alone. I wish I had friends here that I could spend time with and not really envy their lives... just being honest! I have the gospel. Oh how amazing it is, and oh how stupid I was to ever let it go! This is probably what hurts the most as there are things I so deeply desire, and a few of them I don't know if I'll ever have in my current situation. I have a complete body. I don't have any major problems which is great, but oh how blah I feel. I am carrying more stress, I'm carrying more weight, and it's just frustrating. I just started taking dance, and I am so excited to be back in a ballet class! This I hope will help out with so much.
I just feel stuck here in Nacogdoches, and it's not where I want to be. It's not where my heart is, and that's so hard. I'm trying to make the best of it, and I'm trying to see the good. So much of me just feels like something should be different. Often times I think I should start my own business and I know exactly what I want to do, but I don't think I would really have the support. So much of me feels like I should be out of Nacogdoches, but I can't really go anywhere else. So much of me feels like to have the things I want in the gospel means that other things will have to leave. What do you do? What do you put first... your happiness or just holding to things that are a part of your life? How do you find that happiness again?
I'm married. I have a home. I have my own car. I have a job. I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. I have my dog and cat. I have family near by. I have great friends. I have the gospel. I have a complete body.
Now, for many, those things would be great. Yet for me, I just feel stuck with it all. Let's look at it again which where my brain is...
I'm married. But yet I feel as if I'm not really married. We do not believe the same things or want the same things. It's not how I EVER imagined marriage would be. I have a home. My home is small with no real space. It is a townhouse, and there have been so many different issues with our HOA. I have my own car. Minus having to pay for the ever increasing gas and such, there's really nothing wrong with my Toyota Corolla S. Well... I'm kind of behind on having my car registered. Oops! I have a job. Oh, I so love my job! I love working for maurices, but at the same time, I feel like I'm doing a horrible job. I feel like I could be a better manager and doing so much more. Yet, I just don't know what. I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. These things are what seem to be what I go to for happiness or just to fill up space. I LOVE clothes! I even enjoy food. However, I hate cooking and cleaning. Maybe I just don't like having to cook for my husband, or maybe I just don't like it at all. I have my dog and cat. They are fabulous! A bit clingy at times, but they are pretty good. Minus the allergies with the cat, she's good. Lexie has always just been my baby. She turns 6 years old tomorrow! I have family near by. My parents live about 30 minutes away from me, and I'm so glad they are close. But I hate that I don't really get to spend much time with them. They are so special to me. I have my in-laws only a few minutes away as well, but it's just not the same. I hate that my brother and sister-in-law are in NY as I would really love to have that relationship grow. I have two nephews on Brandon's side, but I don't really get to see them. I have great friends. I really do have amazing friends, but yet, none of them live near me! It's so frustrating as I then get stuck at home, and some of them, I don't really ever get to talk to unless I am home alone. I wish I had friends here that I could spend time with and not really envy their lives... just being honest! I have the gospel. Oh how amazing it is, and oh how stupid I was to ever let it go! This is probably what hurts the most as there are things I so deeply desire, and a few of them I don't know if I'll ever have in my current situation. I have a complete body. I don't have any major problems which is great, but oh how blah I feel. I am carrying more stress, I'm carrying more weight, and it's just frustrating. I just started taking dance, and I am so excited to be back in a ballet class! This I hope will help out with so much.
I just feel stuck here in Nacogdoches, and it's not where I want to be. It's not where my heart is, and that's so hard. I'm trying to make the best of it, and I'm trying to see the good. So much of me just feels like something should be different. Often times I think I should start my own business and I know exactly what I want to do, but I don't think I would really have the support. So much of me feels like I should be out of Nacogdoches, but I can't really go anywhere else. So much of me feels like to have the things I want in the gospel means that other things will have to leave. What do you do? What do you put first... your happiness or just holding to things that are a part of your life? How do you find that happiness again?
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