Melanoma Part 3

I have surgery this Thursday, and we have no clue how it's going to go.  They can't tell me what to expect afterwards or during.  They know nothing until they actually get into surgery.  UGH!

A sentinel lymph node biopsy is going to be done at the same time which should be fun.  Below is what a sentinel biopsy could possibly look like with no issues.  And yes, I'm going in early for a nuclear medicine/radioactive injection prior to surgery at noon so that they can complete this.

Here's to hoping that it comes back negative meaning the cancer has most likely not spread to any other parts of my body, including the lymph nodes!!

Sentinel lymph node biopsy in a patient with melanoma. A radioactive substance and/or blue dye is injected near the tumor (first panel). The injected material is located visually and/or with a device that detects radioactivity (middle panel). The sentinel node(s) (the first lymph node(s) to take up the material) is (are) removed and checked for cancer cells (last panel). Sentinel lymph node biopsy can be done before or after the tumor is removed.

Melanoma Part II

Yesterday I met with my plastic surgeon to see what the next steps needed to be for this new adventure.  It was an interesting visit, and I'm not sure if things have completely set in or not.

Dr. Wittpenn said that the pathology report that Dr. Rowley had completed from the biopsy was not complete.  He is not sure of the exact level of melanoma.  What that means, is that as melanoma is now measured based on Breslow's which is looking at the thickness.  Right now, I am being classified as intermediate.  They will not truly know the level or how invasive this is until after surgery.

I will go into surgery on August 1st.  It will be an interesting day as not only will I have surgery, but I am also have this nuclear reactive medicine procedure done as well.  They will inject this stuff in my lymph node areas to kind of light them up so that we can see what has been effected.  They will also remove a couple of my lymph nodes through my armpit.  The worst I should see from this procedure is some fluid build up that my body will take care of.  YUCK!  I already sweat enough as it is.  :-/

This all starts about 9:30am that Thursday, and then I go into surgery at noon.  That's going to be a really long time without food and fluids!  It is outpatient, and due to the nuclear medicine, I have to be in the hospital.  Oh how I would rather be in an outpatient surgery center!

If it is any worse than what he is thinking or it has traveled, then the chances of me going to MD Anderson will become pretty high.  Melanoma is treated very different from other types of cancer as it does not respond to chemo.  Also, the biopsy of my lymph nodes will also help give us an idea of how long before it shows up again as you are never completely free of skin cancer.

I have also started putting a cream on a couple spots on my back to see if we can get them gone prior to anything worse happening.  At this moment, I haven't had any crazy reactions, but today will only be day three of application.  I'm hoping nothing crazy will happen, but the chance of them becoming very big, yucky scab areas is possible.  Depending on the reaction will decide if we use this same medication on my face or not.  Yea - I've had a spot on my face for a few years that Dr. Rowley is not excited about.  Oops.

Work and life is going to become interesting!  Surgery is a few days before a floorset and a week before tax-free weekend.  YIKES!  We are going to be an arm down.  LOL!  Also, I was told I couldn't dance for several weeks.  The location is not the most ideal, and could easily be opened up if I do too much.  :-(

I guess I better get serious on getting some things done at my house before I can't do it for awhile!!

Exist?

Do miracles exist?  Do things really work out for the best in life, or do people just say that to try to make you feel better?  Like in "He's Just Not That Into You" they talk about how mom's always tell little girls that when a boy is mean, it's because they like you, when in reality, they just can't stand you.

I feel like Mandy Moore in "A Walk to Remember".  Her only dream was to witness a miracle.  I would like one of those right now!  I would like for one thing good or one thing that I really want to go right.  But I have learned that I make that very hard as I screw up EVERYTHING!  If it's not one thing, it's another.  I hurt the people I care the most about, and I don't know why.  It's either by pushing them away, being rude, or just being stupid!  Yea - that's probably it right there... I'm just stupid!

Oh how I would love for one good thing to happen!  I know exactly what I want more than anything, but the rest would be nice too!  I'm tired of this horrible storm in my life.  I'm tired of effin' everything up!  It's killing me!!

Melanoma Cancer

This morning I finally got the results back from a biopsy taken almost two weeks ago for this "thing" on my arm that I've had for a few years.  We had hoped for the basic of basic cancers that are removed with no extra though, but that was not the case.  I have melanoma cancer.

Due to the location, I am having to go to a plastic surgeon.  He will review the paperwork, and decide how to move forward.  It will either involve checking out my lymph nodes or not.  And depending on the size and such will depend on how much cutting they have to do on my arm.  There really is no telling what could be there or not there.

... I'm scared.

Plans vs. Reality

Life... it's a funny thing.  It never goes how you hope it will go.  Plans usually never follow through, and dreams are just that, dreams.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I will always plan; I will always dream.  I will always try to help those around me with their plans and dreams.  It gives you something to look forward to, or something to enjoy as you know it brings happiness in those around you.  But it certainly can cause a lot of pain.

I am 30 years old (yikes, I'm getting old!), and no where close to what I had planned when I was younger.  Believe me when I say that I know life could be so much harder or worse in areas that I couldn't imagine, and I know that I am blessed in the fact that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach.  But my life, which is directed for me only, is one that I don't understand.

My plan was to be married and have four children by now.  My plan was to be teaching them so many things in life that only I could teach them.  My plan was to be the best wife.  My plan was to have been married in a LDS temple to a worthy priesthood holder who honored that role/calling.  My plan was to not be in East Texas except to visit family.  My plan was to be this ideal wife who had it all together, and what I didn't have together, I hid it well.  My plan was to be happy 95% of the time, and to deal with the crappy 5%.

I dreamed of white picket fences with a wrap around porch.  I dreamed of a celestial room with a baby grand that would allow for growth and peace in a crazy world.  I dreamed of girl nights out with my closest friends, and date night every week with my husband.  I dreamed of miracles.

It never mattered where I worked as the only work I wanted was my family.  It never mattered if I was super fashionable as I just wanted to be me.

How did it all completely change?  How did some of the things that once made me so happy turn out to be things that have brought me some of the greatest pains?  How did work and fashion become more important than family?  How did some of the people who I thought I was closest to turn out to be those who really are not ones to have around?

I am so blown away by how my life is today, and how I never would have thought I would be here.  I never imagined being divorced, and sitting in our old townhouse which is now just my townhouse alone.  I never imagined to suffer from depression and self-image issues on the level that I do.  The handful of friends I have, or at least the ones I believe are my friends, are ones I hold very close.  Struggle in life or have hard times come upon you, and you will truly see who is in your life to stay.

Life never goes as planned because reality beats it out.