There are two days left of 2012, and I am so glad! There have been good moments, and there have been some really crappy moments within this year! A new one is almost here, and I am ready. I have been starting to think about my goals for this year, and I really want some good ones.
What goals do you have? What are you New Year's Resolutions? Are they the typical lose weight, be a better person? Or do you have other fun goals?
So far, these are the goals I have...
1) Get in shape
2) Learn to cook
3) Finish The Book of Mormon at least twice
4) Get out of debt as much as possible
5) And my favorite... create a Gratitude/Blessing journal that I will write in EVERY day for the next year.
I used to write a lot, and I've stopped. And no, I'm not a great writer, and I know that. But it was a great release for me. With everything that's happening in my life right now, I need to start looking on the good and all the wonderful things that are around me.
2013 is still going to be a hard year, but I know that change will be for the better!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
5 days till Christmas
I am so ready for this holiday season to be done!! It's starting to hurt a lot, and I don't know what to do.
There are so many things that I'm confused about right now and it just seems like I can't really grasp any answers.
It's been just over four years ago that Brandon asked me to marry him, and I was so giddy and happy. Now, we aren't even really around each other and won't even spend Christmas together. I know I shouldn't ask, but why me. Why does this have to be my trial?!
There are so many things that I'm confused about right now and it just seems like I can't really grasp any answers.
It's been just over four years ago that Brandon asked me to marry him, and I was so giddy and happy. Now, we aren't even really around each other and won't even spend Christmas together. I know I shouldn't ask, but why me. Why does this have to be my trial?!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Maybe he's right
It is past midnight, and I am still not asleep. I'm so drained and worn out, and yet, my body doesn't shut off. It doesn't make sense as I got maybe three hours of sleep last night (6:45am-9:45am, off and on), and worked a full day. I have a long week with three days of 12+ hours. Why won't things just stop?!
Just found out another friend of mine from high school is having their first child. There are others having their second as well. I'm happy for them, but at the same time, it hurts. Even though I know no one has a perfect marriage and that there are certainly different struggles for everyone, it is hard to see people celebrating multiple years and moving forward while I'm not even at three years and we just... do nothing.
All I seem to be able to do lately is cry, and it hurts so bad. I keep hoping I'll get a phone call or a text, but nothing happens. I keep hoping that me trying to fight for this marriage for an extra two months was worth it, and yet, I just seem to keep hurting more and more with nothing changing.
God gives us things that we can handle, and nothing more... or so that's what people say. I've even said it myself. I used to believe that, but seriously, I can't handle this much more. It's tearing me up.
I want to smile again... really smile. Faking is starting to become way too easy. And all I keep thinking is... am I not good enough? Am I not worth the fight? What have I done to deserve this kind of pain? Two years of pain is way too long!!
Maybe he's right... this is all my fault. I did this because I was the one that left.
Just found out another friend of mine from high school is having their first child. There are others having their second as well. I'm happy for them, but at the same time, it hurts. Even though I know no one has a perfect marriage and that there are certainly different struggles for everyone, it is hard to see people celebrating multiple years and moving forward while I'm not even at three years and we just... do nothing.
All I seem to be able to do lately is cry, and it hurts so bad. I keep hoping I'll get a phone call or a text, but nothing happens. I keep hoping that me trying to fight for this marriage for an extra two months was worth it, and yet, I just seem to keep hurting more and more with nothing changing.
God gives us things that we can handle, and nothing more... or so that's what people say. I've even said it myself. I used to believe that, but seriously, I can't handle this much more. It's tearing me up.
I want to smile again... really smile. Faking is starting to become way too easy. And all I keep thinking is... am I not good enough? Am I not worth the fight? What have I done to deserve this kind of pain? Two years of pain is way too long!!
Maybe he's right... this is all my fault. I did this because I was the one that left.
Callings
We are all called to do different things in our lives. Some are called to be parents while others are not. Some are called to be teachers and others doctors. Each calling is different in life, and different from person to person.
In Church we are given callings and are asked to fulfill these callings to the best of our abilities. It is often fun and rewarding to serve in these callings. I have filled many... YW Secretary, Nursery Teacher, Primary Music Leader, Primary 2nd Counselor, Gospel Principles Teacher, Relief Society Secretary, Relief Society Education (1st) Counselor, Institute Counsel, Visiting Teaching Coordinator, YSA President, Primary Teacher, and Primary Secretary. I feel I am missing one or two, but they were probably minor and for a short amount of time. But needless to say, I've had my chance to serve in different ways. Some I loved and others I just do.
My all-time favorite callings were ones I had while at Westminster College. I loved being a part of the Westminster Ward, and serving those around me. I knew the members of the ward, and I loved them. I got to teach, and that by far was what I loved the most.
My calling now is a hard one for me as I don't really get to do much. I feel pointless and disconnected. I feel more of a burden than a support. They try to have meetings, and they have to make it work around my schedule. They want to have get-togethers, and yet, I'm never available. And one of the biggest parts is taking roll, and I'm not always there on Sunday. It's hard as I want to teach. I want to teach because then I can learn.
Oh well... it's what I am supposed to do; no questions asked.
In Church we are given callings and are asked to fulfill these callings to the best of our abilities. It is often fun and rewarding to serve in these callings. I have filled many... YW Secretary, Nursery Teacher, Primary Music Leader, Primary 2nd Counselor, Gospel Principles Teacher, Relief Society Secretary, Relief Society Education (1st) Counselor, Institute Counsel, Visiting Teaching Coordinator, YSA President, Primary Teacher, and Primary Secretary. I feel I am missing one or two, but they were probably minor and for a short amount of time. But needless to say, I've had my chance to serve in different ways. Some I loved and others I just do.
My all-time favorite callings were ones I had while at Westminster College. I loved being a part of the Westminster Ward, and serving those around me. I knew the members of the ward, and I loved them. I got to teach, and that by far was what I loved the most.
My calling now is a hard one for me as I don't really get to do much. I feel pointless and disconnected. I feel more of a burden than a support. They try to have meetings, and they have to make it work around my schedule. They want to have get-togethers, and yet, I'm never available. And one of the biggest parts is taking roll, and I'm not always there on Sunday. It's hard as I want to teach. I want to teach because then I can learn.
Oh well... it's what I am supposed to do; no questions asked.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Holidays
Christmas is just a couple weeks away, and I honestly can say I don't care. There is one thing and only one thing that I'm excited about, and that is spending time with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law.
My brother and sister-in-law are coming down from NY, and will be at my parents the evening of the 25th. I won't get to see them that much as I work the next day, of course, but I'll get to see them. We are also taking family pictures on the 27th. I'm excited as the last time we REALLY had family pictures were before Kevin and Shannon were even engaged. Actually, they are saying that they had only been dating for like a month. Guess we got lucky! :) She's always been very much a part of our family.
These pictures will probably be just as awkward as they were then as I'll be alone, and I never thought that would happen again. And oh how that kills me!! I could ask him to be a part of the pictures, but there wouldn't be any love between us or closeness. It would really just be dull. But I don't think he's even going to be in town as he's helping his parents move to Alabama and spending Christmas there.
We keep talking about trying to make things work, and we still see each other from time to time, but nothing is really changing. Honestly, we are just pulling further and further apart. He wants to move soon, and I don't want to move for awhile. I want the temple, and he doesn't even want the gospel. He wants to have guy nights every week, and I want to be a priority.
I never felt like I settled for him when I married him, but he certainly isn't the same person anymore. It's hard to see that change, and wonder if I was just blind three years ago when I said yes.
All I know is that the holiday season is already a hard one, and this makes it that much harder. Living alone is hard as I never thought I would come back to this. Dreams of the future are starting to become more and more of a single me instead of a married me. That kills me as one dream of mine involves having a husband.
I really don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, and I really don't know how it's going to all end. I know what I feel, but there is still so much confusion, or maybe just a lot of fear.
My brother and sister-in-law are coming down from NY, and will be at my parents the evening of the 25th. I won't get to see them that much as I work the next day, of course, but I'll get to see them. We are also taking family pictures on the 27th. I'm excited as the last time we REALLY had family pictures were before Kevin and Shannon were even engaged. Actually, they are saying that they had only been dating for like a month. Guess we got lucky! :) She's always been very much a part of our family.
These pictures will probably be just as awkward as they were then as I'll be alone, and I never thought that would happen again. And oh how that kills me!! I could ask him to be a part of the pictures, but there wouldn't be any love between us or closeness. It would really just be dull. But I don't think he's even going to be in town as he's helping his parents move to Alabama and spending Christmas there.
We keep talking about trying to make things work, and we still see each other from time to time, but nothing is really changing. Honestly, we are just pulling further and further apart. He wants to move soon, and I don't want to move for awhile. I want the temple, and he doesn't even want the gospel. He wants to have guy nights every week, and I want to be a priority.
I never felt like I settled for him when I married him, but he certainly isn't the same person anymore. It's hard to see that change, and wonder if I was just blind three years ago when I said yes.
All I know is that the holiday season is already a hard one, and this makes it that much harder. Living alone is hard as I never thought I would come back to this. Dreams of the future are starting to become more and more of a single me instead of a married me. That kills me as one dream of mine involves having a husband.
I really don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, and I really don't know how it's going to all end. I know what I feel, but there is still so much confusion, or maybe just a lot of fear.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Pain
I'm so tired of hurting! I'm so tired of crying! I'm so tired of not being able to breathe more often than not! Can you tell, I'm just tired!!
I read a conference talk this past Sunday during Sacrament meeting as I tend to have a hard time focusing on the speakers... sorry! And it really struck me! I even shared it with my dad, and it was something he really liked to.
It's Of Regrets and Resolutions by President Uchtdorf. Wow... it really is a wonderful talk. I have regrets in my life, and I even have the regrets listed in this talk. (I'll place them below so you can see them together.)
1) I wish I had spent more time with the people I love.
2) I wish I had lived up to my potential.
3) I wish I had let myself be happier.
I can look over the past almost 30 years of life, and see where I wish I would have done differently because of one of those three. Maybe things would be so much different now had I spent more time with the people I love, like Brandon, or had held onto the iron rod as I knew I should. Maybe things would be different if I would just stop having such high expectations for myself and appreciate what is there instead of what isn't.
So now I need to find my happiness amongst the craziness and pain! Life can be better, and I am the one that can make it better! But right now, it's hard and I need your prayers! Normally I don't ask for those, but I really need them!!
I read a conference talk this past Sunday during Sacrament meeting as I tend to have a hard time focusing on the speakers... sorry! And it really struck me! I even shared it with my dad, and it was something he really liked to.
It's Of Regrets and Resolutions by President Uchtdorf. Wow... it really is a wonderful talk. I have regrets in my life, and I even have the regrets listed in this talk. (I'll place them below so you can see them together.)
1) I wish I had spent more time with the people I love.
2) I wish I had lived up to my potential.
3) I wish I had let myself be happier.
I can look over the past almost 30 years of life, and see where I wish I would have done differently because of one of those three. Maybe things would be so much different now had I spent more time with the people I love, like Brandon, or had held onto the iron rod as I knew I should. Maybe things would be different if I would just stop having such high expectations for myself and appreciate what is there instead of what isn't.
So now I need to find my happiness amongst the craziness and pain! Life can be better, and I am the one that can make it better! But right now, it's hard and I need your prayers! Normally I don't ask for those, but I really need them!!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Limbo
As the days go by, I constantly wonder where my life is going to go. I wonder what I should be doing or not doing. Some situations become more awkward or hard, and others just become blank. Some moments because full of happiness and others stress and pain.
This year has been a very hard year for me, and I have to say, I am ready for 2012 to be over.
I began this year with the hopes of becoming a mom as Brandon had finally told me right before Christmas that he was ready to start a family. I knew what I thought that meant, but it wasn't the same as what he meant. The next couple of months were just filled with working two jobs and trying to figure out why we weren't trying for a family, really.
Our 2nd anniversary came in March, and we were able to get away for a couple of days. We had fun as we went to Six Flags again and ate at Saltgrass. Brandon told me that he really was ready to start trying for a family. I was excited as that's what I wanted so much. Of course, work kept going as it always does. People around me were pregnant, and I was not. I was not working two jobs anymore, and that was nice.
The summer rolled around, and life started to just get really hard. I traveled some for work, and loved it. Little did I know that Brandon hated it. It was work... not a vacation. Things started to get really hard for us, and I didn't know what was going to happen. I started to talk to a counselor to see what I could do to make things better. It helped a little, but it just wasn't changing. I really thought things were going to end between us at this point. We were pulling further and further away from each other. We were starting to be more honest and direct in the things we said or how we felt. Lies were starting to become truths, and they were hard to take.
Work kept going, and just seemed to get harder. Maybe it was just the personal life getting harder which made everything else hard. I don't know, but I started to lose a lot of happiness. My smiles started to become more fake every day.
I started to take ballet, and wow, that was amazing! It is amazing! I'm not the best, and certainly have a lot of room to grow. It's hard to make this almost 30 year old body do things that used to come so easily, and still does for those in my class. But it's something I always loved, and well, if you love it, you make it happen.
"Make it happen?" That's something we say so much, but love should just happen, not something you have to work at. And yes, ballet for me is a love and it happens... but not to the level I would like. But I work hard at it, and it starts to happen. My marriage... we still talk about just making it happen.
Have you ever wanted something so badly in your life that you could taste it, smell it, and feel it so deeply, and yet, it felt so out of reach? There are very few things in my life that I want so badly, but all of those things feel so very out of reach.
1) I want the temple! I lost it a few years back, and it kills me. December will be three years, and it has been three of the hardest years of my life.
2) I want a temple marriage... a marriage involving three people. I want a marriage that is full of love and happiness and honesty and common goals.
3) I want a family. It will be a process for me to get pregnant as I found that out this year. I will have to take medication to hopefully get pregnant, and I hate taking any type of medication. But I want to be a mother so much, and I always thought I would have my 4th kid by now or on their way. And yet, I don't even know when I'll get to have the first.
4) I want to dance. I forgot how much I loved dancing until I got back into it. Some probably think I'm silly for dancing at my age, but it's the one thing that makes sense right now. I wish it could be more of my life than just twice a week classes.
Truth, that's all I really want, and of course, different things play into each one of those desires, but they are the core of those things.
And my marriage hasn't always been horrible as we have had great moments, but where's the balance. I still don't know what's going to happen, and it's hard. The holidays are coming up, and I don't know what's going to happen. Will we be together, or will we be apart? Right now, neither of us feels married or single. We are in such a limbo, and it's the hardest limbo to be in. I feel like I should do something, but I have no clue what that something is. I feel so stuck.
This year has been a very hard year for me, and I have to say, I am ready for 2012 to be over.
I began this year with the hopes of becoming a mom as Brandon had finally told me right before Christmas that he was ready to start a family. I knew what I thought that meant, but it wasn't the same as what he meant. The next couple of months were just filled with working two jobs and trying to figure out why we weren't trying for a family, really.
Our 2nd anniversary came in March, and we were able to get away for a couple of days. We had fun as we went to Six Flags again and ate at Saltgrass. Brandon told me that he really was ready to start trying for a family. I was excited as that's what I wanted so much. Of course, work kept going as it always does. People around me were pregnant, and I was not. I was not working two jobs anymore, and that was nice.
The summer rolled around, and life started to just get really hard. I traveled some for work, and loved it. Little did I know that Brandon hated it. It was work... not a vacation. Things started to get really hard for us, and I didn't know what was going to happen. I started to talk to a counselor to see what I could do to make things better. It helped a little, but it just wasn't changing. I really thought things were going to end between us at this point. We were pulling further and further away from each other. We were starting to be more honest and direct in the things we said or how we felt. Lies were starting to become truths, and they were hard to take.
Work kept going, and just seemed to get harder. Maybe it was just the personal life getting harder which made everything else hard. I don't know, but I started to lose a lot of happiness. My smiles started to become more fake every day.
I started to take ballet, and wow, that was amazing! It is amazing! I'm not the best, and certainly have a lot of room to grow. It's hard to make this almost 30 year old body do things that used to come so easily, and still does for those in my class. But it's something I always loved, and well, if you love it, you make it happen.
"Make it happen?" That's something we say so much, but love should just happen, not something you have to work at. And yes, ballet for me is a love and it happens... but not to the level I would like. But I work hard at it, and it starts to happen. My marriage... we still talk about just making it happen.
Have you ever wanted something so badly in your life that you could taste it, smell it, and feel it so deeply, and yet, it felt so out of reach? There are very few things in my life that I want so badly, but all of those things feel so very out of reach.
1) I want the temple! I lost it a few years back, and it kills me. December will be three years, and it has been three of the hardest years of my life.
2) I want a temple marriage... a marriage involving three people. I want a marriage that is full of love and happiness and honesty and common goals.
3) I want a family. It will be a process for me to get pregnant as I found that out this year. I will have to take medication to hopefully get pregnant, and I hate taking any type of medication. But I want to be a mother so much, and I always thought I would have my 4th kid by now or on their way. And yet, I don't even know when I'll get to have the first.
4) I want to dance. I forgot how much I loved dancing until I got back into it. Some probably think I'm silly for dancing at my age, but it's the one thing that makes sense right now. I wish it could be more of my life than just twice a week classes.
Truth, that's all I really want, and of course, different things play into each one of those desires, but they are the core of those things.
And my marriage hasn't always been horrible as we have had great moments, but where's the balance. I still don't know what's going to happen, and it's hard. The holidays are coming up, and I don't know what's going to happen. Will we be together, or will we be apart? Right now, neither of us feels married or single. We are in such a limbo, and it's the hardest limbo to be in. I feel like I should do something, but I have no clue what that something is. I feel so stuck.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Selfish??
As life continues to move forward and different things happen in my life to me or those around me, I tend to ponder even more. I start to wonder more about my life and my dreams. I begin to think about where I've been and where I am going.
Life is far from perfect for me, and honestly, I will be shocked if I don't die during the holidays... just saying. Retail has done a number on me, and I can honestly say that I dislike the holidays greatly. I am sorry as I know many love them and I should too, but I don't. It because a very busy and hectic time, and this year, I have no clue what my holidays are going to look like. I have no clue what I will get ANYONE, or really any idea on who I should be buying for this year.
But back to my ponderings and dreams...
So I have this big dream of being a mother, and I really hope that one day it will come true. I mean, I know it will, but I don't want to be crazy old! But it's just something my heart desires so much, and children bring me so much joy.
I also have a dream of being my own boss and owning my own business. I keep thinking about a dance supply store, and it would be amazing! However, do I really want to stay in Nacogdoches? Is it the right thing for me to do? There are so many questions that go with this dream.
And one last thing that constantly comes to mind that I often wonder if I'm being selfish about, but I really want to make a difference. I want to be a positive influence on those around me. I want to do something that people remember. I want to be that girl that people say "go to Angela for this or that..." So many people have things they are known for or remembered by... I honestly don't believe I've done anything, and I don't know what I can/could do. :-/ Is it selfish to want to make a difference and have those around me actually remember me?
Life is far from perfect for me, and honestly, I will be shocked if I don't die during the holidays... just saying. Retail has done a number on me, and I can honestly say that I dislike the holidays greatly. I am sorry as I know many love them and I should too, but I don't. It because a very busy and hectic time, and this year, I have no clue what my holidays are going to look like. I have no clue what I will get ANYONE, or really any idea on who I should be buying for this year.
But back to my ponderings and dreams...
So I have this big dream of being a mother, and I really hope that one day it will come true. I mean, I know it will, but I don't want to be crazy old! But it's just something my heart desires so much, and children bring me so much joy.
I also have a dream of being my own boss and owning my own business. I keep thinking about a dance supply store, and it would be amazing! However, do I really want to stay in Nacogdoches? Is it the right thing for me to do? There are so many questions that go with this dream.
And one last thing that constantly comes to mind that I often wonder if I'm being selfish about, but I really want to make a difference. I want to be a positive influence on those around me. I want to do something that people remember. I want to be that girl that people say "go to Angela for this or that..." So many people have things they are known for or remembered by... I honestly don't believe I've done anything, and I don't know what I can/could do. :-/ Is it selfish to want to make a difference and have those around me actually remember me?
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Life is CRAZY!!!
Okay... so here's a little update on my crazy life (and yes, it's crazy!!)
1) I am now a Velata consultant. It's part of the Scentsy Family, so it's happy! Plus, it's chocolate fondue. YUMMY!!!
2) I get to perform today at 4pm, and I'm scared out of my MIND!! Seriously, I haven't been so nervous in a REALLY long time! Maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist. Maybe it's because we haven't practiced a whole lot. Maybe it's because we are dancing on brick. Maybe it's because it's finally cold outside and I'm wearing a tutu for the first time EVER. Maybe it's because we'll be right on top of people. Maybe it's because I've told so many people so we could have a crowd, and now I'm wishing no one was going to be there. Oh... there's so many maybe's for why I'm nervous. Either way, I will be the lilac fairy - the fairy of wisdom - the fairy who tells the story - the main fairy!
3) I get to take some vacation this week!! Nothing major, and I'll just be here in Nacogdoches, but I don't have to go into my store, and that makes me happy!!! I need the time... BAD!!
4) I guess I'll end here as I don't have anything else really... or at least it doesn't seem like it... Brandon and I are going to try to make things work. We are both going to have to do some changing, but I love him. I can't change that! We are going to get some major help, and I'm glad! I know things won't be perfect, and we will have our hard times, but I know it can be better! I want it to be better! One day I will have my temple sealing, and I hope it is sooner than later!! So I request this one request.. PLEASE pray for us! For us to be strong through this hard time, and for our hearts to be softened in the way it needs to be so that we can make it to the temple!
1) I am now a Velata consultant. It's part of the Scentsy Family, so it's happy! Plus, it's chocolate fondue. YUMMY!!!
2) I get to perform today at 4pm, and I'm scared out of my MIND!! Seriously, I haven't been so nervous in a REALLY long time! Maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist. Maybe it's because we haven't practiced a whole lot. Maybe it's because we are dancing on brick. Maybe it's because it's finally cold outside and I'm wearing a tutu for the first time EVER. Maybe it's because we'll be right on top of people. Maybe it's because I've told so many people so we could have a crowd, and now I'm wishing no one was going to be there. Oh... there's so many maybe's for why I'm nervous. Either way, I will be the lilac fairy - the fairy of wisdom - the fairy who tells the story - the main fairy!
3) I get to take some vacation this week!! Nothing major, and I'll just be here in Nacogdoches, but I don't have to go into my store, and that makes me happy!!! I need the time... BAD!!
4) I guess I'll end here as I don't have anything else really... or at least it doesn't seem like it... Brandon and I are going to try to make things work. We are both going to have to do some changing, but I love him. I can't change that! We are going to get some major help, and I'm glad! I know things won't be perfect, and we will have our hard times, but I know it can be better! I want it to be better! One day I will have my temple sealing, and I hope it is sooner than later!! So I request this one request.. PLEASE pray for us! For us to be strong through this hard time, and for our hearts to be softened in the way it needs to be so that we can make it to the temple!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
To have someone
Tonight is one of those nights that I wish I had someone to talk to or someone to just hold me. I want that someone special to share things in my life with. I want someone to get excited with me or someone to just be excited for me.
I got asked to join company tonight at the dance studio, and that's pretty exciting since I haven't danced in awhile. Truth, I feel very honored. But I'm left alone to celebrate.
The apartment is very lonely, even with a dog and cat. It's hard coming home alone as being alone all the time. Before I was alone a lot, but I knew it wouldn't be the entire night. I just want to be loved!!
I got asked to join company tonight at the dance studio, and that's pretty exciting since I haven't danced in awhile. Truth, I feel very honored. But I'm left alone to celebrate.
The apartment is very lonely, even with a dog and cat. It's hard coming home alone as being alone all the time. Before I was alone a lot, but I knew it wouldn't be the entire night. I just want to be loved!!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Life is never how you plan it
I haven't written about this at all, but no one really reads this except every once in awhile, so I figured it was a safe place.
Brandon and I separated on 9/27/12. The night before was when it all went down and I was told I had to leave since I was the one that wanted out. Now, I could go into everything wrong in our marriage and even list the things that were right, but neither would be best.
This has been very hard on me, as I don't believe anyone really knows or sees that. I am losing my husband and friend. I am losing the person I have loved for over three years. At times I will joke or make it seem like it's okay, but it's not. It hurts so much.
My life was never meant to have a divorce a part of it, but it does. I just hope this goes quickly.
Brandon and I separated on 9/27/12. The night before was when it all went down and I was told I had to leave since I was the one that wanted out. Now, I could go into everything wrong in our marriage and even list the things that were right, but neither would be best.
This has been very hard on me, as I don't believe anyone really knows or sees that. I am losing my husband and friend. I am losing the person I have loved for over three years. At times I will joke or make it seem like it's okay, but it's not. It hurts so much.
My life was never meant to have a divorce a part of it, but it does. I just hope this goes quickly.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Atonement
So, I don't know a whole lot, but I am grateful for this. The atonement is so very real!
Alma 7:11-12 is an interesting read. He suffered for my trials and hardships way before my sins and faults. The atonement is for me always. I love that!! Not that He suffered, but that His suffering was for just the hard parts of life.
Alma 7:11-12 is an interesting read. He suffered for my trials and hardships way before my sins and faults. The atonement is for me always. I love that!! Not that He suffered, but that His suffering was for just the hard parts of life.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Yay!!
I'm down 5 pounds!! Only another 5-8 and I'll be where I want to be. With toning of course. :-)
Friday, September 21, 2012
Doctor Results
Well, turns out I just have a weird cycle. Comforting that nothing else appears wrong.
My doctor was going to put me on clomid and another prescription to help with ovulation, but I asked her to just me a prescription for Beyaz instead.
Yes, very different, but its the best thing right now. I want a family so bad. I want to experience pregnancy and labor and to become a mom. Just right now, Lexie and Squeaker are my babies. One day... One day.
My doctor was going to put me on clomid and another prescription to help with ovulation, but I asked her to just me a prescription for Beyaz instead.
Yes, very different, but its the best thing right now. I want a family so bad. I want to experience pregnancy and labor and to become a mom. Just right now, Lexie and Squeaker are my babies. One day... One day.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Even more questions and worries!
Well, the appointment was... okay. I go back next Friday to discuss results and options. As of right now, I really have no idea of what's going on. I got left with "your brain and ovaries aren't connecting". That's how she approached it first, and then kind of pulled back from it. I really don't know, and it's so frustrating! There's a chance I have this new thing that's called PCOS.
It would be nice to just have one thing go right. To have one thing I truly desire in my life to happen. I just need that one happy moment. Welcome day 1 of I don't know how many of complete emotional break downs. UGH! I need a vacation!!
It would be nice to just have one thing go right. To have one thing I truly desire in my life to happen. I just need that one happy moment. Welcome day 1 of I don't know how many of complete emotional break downs. UGH! I need a vacation!!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
The lady doctor
Well, I get to go back to the lady doctor tomorrow, and I'm not excited. Now, this may seem a bit much so just note, I'm posting this more for me than anything else. I need to get my thoughts out about this.
My cycle has been HORRIBLE! I was going 43 days or so, and then it just started to get closer and closer. Okay, it didn't just shrink a little at a time. It went from 43 days to 17 days to 18 days to like 14 days. The closer it got to each other, the longer I was actually on my period. And now, I just finished up a 15 day period. Seriously, that's a really long time!
So I shared that with my doctor last week who obviously hasn't found anything wrong yet as she still did my typical lady doctor check and hasn't called me about anything. And then of course, we set up an appointment for an ultrasound and fasting lab work. I get to do those tomorrow morning.
What scares me the most right now is that I might be told I can't have children... that has always been my biggest fear. We have been trying for the past 6 months, and obviously, can't really plan for anything with my crazy body which doesn't go well with our crazy schedules.
It would just be really nice for things to go right, for once! It would be nice to get something I desire so much. I'm getting older, and well, it really just sucks that everyone around me is having children... even those who really don't need kids. Seriously, how is that fair or right?! But, I've learned that most things in my life never seem fair.
Brandon isn't worried, but he's not the one having to deal with all of this.
My cycle has been HORRIBLE! I was going 43 days or so, and then it just started to get closer and closer. Okay, it didn't just shrink a little at a time. It went from 43 days to 17 days to 18 days to like 14 days. The closer it got to each other, the longer I was actually on my period. And now, I just finished up a 15 day period. Seriously, that's a really long time!
So I shared that with my doctor last week who obviously hasn't found anything wrong yet as she still did my typical lady doctor check and hasn't called me about anything. And then of course, we set up an appointment for an ultrasound and fasting lab work. I get to do those tomorrow morning.
What scares me the most right now is that I might be told I can't have children... that has always been my biggest fear. We have been trying for the past 6 months, and obviously, can't really plan for anything with my crazy body which doesn't go well with our crazy schedules.
It would just be really nice for things to go right, for once! It would be nice to get something I desire so much. I'm getting older, and well, it really just sucks that everyone around me is having children... even those who really don't need kids. Seriously, how is that fair or right?! But, I've learned that most things in my life never seem fair.
Brandon isn't worried, but he's not the one having to deal with all of this.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Stuck
Have you ever just felt stuck? Have you ever felt like life wasn't bad, but it really wasn't all that great either? Yea, I'm so there!
I'm married. I have a home. I have my own car. I have a job. I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. I have my dog and cat. I have family near by. I have great friends. I have the gospel. I have a complete body.
Now, for many, those things would be great. Yet for me, I just feel stuck with it all. Let's look at it again which where my brain is...
I'm married. But yet I feel as if I'm not really married. We do not believe the same things or want the same things. It's not how I EVER imagined marriage would be. I have a home. My home is small with no real space. It is a townhouse, and there have been so many different issues with our HOA. I have my own car. Minus having to pay for the ever increasing gas and such, there's really nothing wrong with my Toyota Corolla S. Well... I'm kind of behind on having my car registered. Oops! I have a job. Oh, I so love my job! I love working for maurices, but at the same time, I feel like I'm doing a horrible job. I feel like I could be a better manager and doing so much more. Yet, I just don't know what. I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. These things are what seem to be what I go to for happiness or just to fill up space. I LOVE clothes! I even enjoy food. However, I hate cooking and cleaning. Maybe I just don't like having to cook for my husband, or maybe I just don't like it at all. I have my dog and cat. They are fabulous! A bit clingy at times, but they are pretty good. Minus the allergies with the cat, she's good. Lexie has always just been my baby. She turns 6 years old tomorrow! I have family near by. My parents live about 30 minutes away from me, and I'm so glad they are close. But I hate that I don't really get to spend much time with them. They are so special to me. I have my in-laws only a few minutes away as well, but it's just not the same. I hate that my brother and sister-in-law are in NY as I would really love to have that relationship grow. I have two nephews on Brandon's side, but I don't really get to see them. I have great friends. I really do have amazing friends, but yet, none of them live near me! It's so frustrating as I then get stuck at home, and some of them, I don't really ever get to talk to unless I am home alone. I wish I had friends here that I could spend time with and not really envy their lives... just being honest! I have the gospel. Oh how amazing it is, and oh how stupid I was to ever let it go! This is probably what hurts the most as there are things I so deeply desire, and a few of them I don't know if I'll ever have in my current situation. I have a complete body. I don't have any major problems which is great, but oh how blah I feel. I am carrying more stress, I'm carrying more weight, and it's just frustrating. I just started taking dance, and I am so excited to be back in a ballet class! This I hope will help out with so much.
I just feel stuck here in Nacogdoches, and it's not where I want to be. It's not where my heart is, and that's so hard. I'm trying to make the best of it, and I'm trying to see the good. So much of me just feels like something should be different. Often times I think I should start my own business and I know exactly what I want to do, but I don't think I would really have the support. So much of me feels like I should be out of Nacogdoches, but I can't really go anywhere else. So much of me feels like to have the things I want in the gospel means that other things will have to leave. What do you do? What do you put first... your happiness or just holding to things that are a part of your life? How do you find that happiness again?
I'm married. I have a home. I have my own car. I have a job. I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. I have my dog and cat. I have family near by. I have great friends. I have the gospel. I have a complete body.
Now, for many, those things would be great. Yet for me, I just feel stuck with it all. Let's look at it again which where my brain is...
I'm married. But yet I feel as if I'm not really married. We do not believe the same things or want the same things. It's not how I EVER imagined marriage would be. I have a home. My home is small with no real space. It is a townhouse, and there have been so many different issues with our HOA. I have my own car. Minus having to pay for the ever increasing gas and such, there's really nothing wrong with my Toyota Corolla S. Well... I'm kind of behind on having my car registered. Oops! I have a job. Oh, I so love my job! I love working for maurices, but at the same time, I feel like I'm doing a horrible job. I feel like I could be a better manager and doing so much more. Yet, I just don't know what. I have clothes on my back and food in my stomach. These things are what seem to be what I go to for happiness or just to fill up space. I LOVE clothes! I even enjoy food. However, I hate cooking and cleaning. Maybe I just don't like having to cook for my husband, or maybe I just don't like it at all. I have my dog and cat. They are fabulous! A bit clingy at times, but they are pretty good. Minus the allergies with the cat, she's good. Lexie has always just been my baby. She turns 6 years old tomorrow! I have family near by. My parents live about 30 minutes away from me, and I'm so glad they are close. But I hate that I don't really get to spend much time with them. They are so special to me. I have my in-laws only a few minutes away as well, but it's just not the same. I hate that my brother and sister-in-law are in NY as I would really love to have that relationship grow. I have two nephews on Brandon's side, but I don't really get to see them. I have great friends. I really do have amazing friends, but yet, none of them live near me! It's so frustrating as I then get stuck at home, and some of them, I don't really ever get to talk to unless I am home alone. I wish I had friends here that I could spend time with and not really envy their lives... just being honest! I have the gospel. Oh how amazing it is, and oh how stupid I was to ever let it go! This is probably what hurts the most as there are things I so deeply desire, and a few of them I don't know if I'll ever have in my current situation. I have a complete body. I don't have any major problems which is great, but oh how blah I feel. I am carrying more stress, I'm carrying more weight, and it's just frustrating. I just started taking dance, and I am so excited to be back in a ballet class! This I hope will help out with so much.
I just feel stuck here in Nacogdoches, and it's not where I want to be. It's not where my heart is, and that's so hard. I'm trying to make the best of it, and I'm trying to see the good. So much of me just feels like something should be different. Often times I think I should start my own business and I know exactly what I want to do, but I don't think I would really have the support. So much of me feels like I should be out of Nacogdoches, but I can't really go anywhere else. So much of me feels like to have the things I want in the gospel means that other things will have to leave. What do you do? What do you put first... your happiness or just holding to things that are a part of your life? How do you find that happiness again?
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Life is way too short
A friend of mine may lose her little girl due to - we don't know what - and it breaks my heart. I got to hold this little girl before she was even 24 hours old, and she is so precious. That and just a few other things in my life have really gotten me to think how short this life on earth really is.
We only have one chance, one life to make the best of it and to cherish all of the moments around us. I wish I would have realized that a long time ago.
A few years back I lost sight of what was important. I lost sight of where my life really needed to be. I lost sight of what I wanted, and it kills me to know that some things I had may have been lost forever.
How can we love something or someone so much and then push them away? How can one know that something is so right and then treat it as it was never there?
I let go of one of the most important things in my life a few years back, and now I can't really remember why. Was it worth it? No. Do I regret it? More than I have ever regretted anything.
You never know what direction your life is going to take, and because of that, you should always hold onto the things that you know are right. I need to cherish some things in my life a lot more than I have ever cherished anything.
I do not know the outcome, but I do know that I hope with everything that I have that I have not lost it all. I know where I want to be, and the pathway there makes me nervous as I am sure it is not going to be easy.
We only have one chance, one life to make the best of it and to cherish all of the moments around us. I wish I would have realized that a long time ago.
A few years back I lost sight of what was important. I lost sight of where my life really needed to be. I lost sight of what I wanted, and it kills me to know that some things I had may have been lost forever.
How can we love something or someone so much and then push them away? How can one know that something is so right and then treat it as it was never there?
I let go of one of the most important things in my life a few years back, and now I can't really remember why. Was it worth it? No. Do I regret it? More than I have ever regretted anything.
You never know what direction your life is going to take, and because of that, you should always hold onto the things that you know are right. I need to cherish some things in my life a lot more than I have ever cherished anything.
I do not know the outcome, but I do know that I hope with everything that I have that I have not lost it all. I know where I want to be, and the pathway there makes me nervous as I am sure it is not going to be easy.
Friday, August 24, 2012
I'm grateful
Before I went in to work today, I was checking out Facebook... of course, and I noticed a message thread for a TV station. I'm guessing it was for Utah, and I didn't really look into everything so I'm not 100% sure about the topic. However, I do know that it was dealing with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and possibly a new temple opening soon. But that's not what this is about...
Some of the things people were saying in this thread was really breaking my heart. I do not care what you believe as we are all different. Yes, I would love everyone to believe as I do, but then where would the challenges and trials come from. Where would the drive to be a better person and a missionary come? At least that's how I see it. Plus, people believing differently than I do allows for good conversations. Okay, back to believing differently than me... I think what is most important is that we have a respect for the different beliefs and respect for the places that are important to those it is important to.
The temple is a very important place to me. It has become more and more important to me here lately than it ever has been, and that's for my own reasons. I hold it sacred just as anyone else holds places sacred. I do not expect understanding, but I do expect respect. That's what I feel we as humans need to have more of... respect.
I am truly grateful for my membership in the church, and I am grateful for my testimony. I know without a doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and whole. I know that people are not perfect, and that's okay. Yes, it has bothered me in the past, but it was because of me, not them. I just wish people could understand that more. I wish... I wish a lot of things.
If anyone reads this, I have one request... be a better person to those around you. Ask questions if you don't understand what they believe, but respect what they believe. You won't always understand, and they won't always be able to explain, but some things, we just know in our heart, our mind, and our soul without every truly having the knowledge of why. Respect the places that are sacred to them, and respect what it takes sometimes to be a part of those places. I am truly grateful for my personal beliefs and what I have gone through in my life to get there.
Some of the things people were saying in this thread was really breaking my heart. I do not care what you believe as we are all different. Yes, I would love everyone to believe as I do, but then where would the challenges and trials come from. Where would the drive to be a better person and a missionary come? At least that's how I see it. Plus, people believing differently than I do allows for good conversations. Okay, back to believing differently than me... I think what is most important is that we have a respect for the different beliefs and respect for the places that are important to those it is important to.
The temple is a very important place to me. It has become more and more important to me here lately than it ever has been, and that's for my own reasons. I hold it sacred just as anyone else holds places sacred. I do not expect understanding, but I do expect respect. That's what I feel we as humans need to have more of... respect.
I am truly grateful for my membership in the church, and I am grateful for my testimony. I know without a doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and whole. I know that people are not perfect, and that's okay. Yes, it has bothered me in the past, but it was because of me, not them. I just wish people could understand that more. I wish... I wish a lot of things.
If anyone reads this, I have one request... be a better person to those around you. Ask questions if you don't understand what they believe, but respect what they believe. You won't always understand, and they won't always be able to explain, but some things, we just know in our heart, our mind, and our soul without every truly having the knowledge of why. Respect the places that are sacred to them, and respect what it takes sometimes to be a part of those places. I am truly grateful for my personal beliefs and what I have gone through in my life to get there.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
I hate being so confused! I know the things I want, but I don't know how I'll get them, if I'll get them, or if they are even right to get. Maybe I've screwed so many things up that it's just not possible anymore... or maybe I'm just meant to live for a really long time not being truly happy and almost just being punished for my life choices. I want to be happy again! I want to feel that life is right again, and that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing... that I'm where I'm supposed to be! I just would really like for something to make sense.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Insanity
No, I'm not insane... at least I don't think so. :) However, I am considering the workout program called Insanity. It's time to get my body together and back in shape! Have any of you tried it? What are your opinions?
My reason for it is that I'm still young-ish and I need to be happy. Plus, I function best off routine and instruction. This could certainly create all of that.
So... give me your opinions and thanks! :)
My reason for it is that I'm still young-ish and I need to be happy. Plus, I function best off routine and instruction. This could certainly create all of that.
So... give me your opinions and thanks! :)
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
break
i so need a vacation! i don't just need to go somewhere; i need a vacation from life. my brain never shuts off, and once i think things are getting better, it goes crazy again. i need and want to get away so bad, but it's not going to happen. i have no money and no way to get off work. places i want to go aren't really places brandon wants to go, but honestly, i would be okay taking a vacation alone. i miss those days. i remember when i went to utah a few years back by myself, and it was awesome. i got to spend lots of great time with my friends, but i also got to spend time alone. i went on a couple dates, and just got to enjoy life. i wish i would have appreciated it a little more back then! so many decisions to make, and so very little energy to do it. :-/
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
To NOT be young again
I feel like I'm back in high school again. I have ZITS! UGH! They are driving me crazy, and no matter what I do, they won't go away. Seriously, I haven't had them this bad since high school, and I don't want them anymore! They just aren't very pretty, and well, they make me feel much younger than me. I'm to the point that Heavenly Father needs to bless me with a baby soon or I might be going back on birth control. Yes, I know that's sad, but I work in fashion... I am a little vain/materialistic. Accept it or not, it's the fact. So for my sanity and for my desire to have a family, pray that the zits go away or I'm blessed with a baby soon. :)
Monday, June 11, 2012
Church
I went to church on Sunday, and it was good. My mother-in-law needed me to conduct the music in Sacrament, and although I thought I was going to be so late... I made it. :) My cousin got married the night before, and it was amazing! Just got home a little late, or early.
But back to church... it was really good to be there. I should probably go a little more. No, I don't like having to get up early every day of the week, but it's where I should be. I even got to hold a cute little baby! Hopefully soon I will be looking forward to my own cute little baby... that's another story/thought.
It's still hard going and leaving alone, but I need to get my butt there and back to where I used to be. December will be here before I know it, and there are big things that I am working towards! YAY! :)
But back to church... it was really good to be there. I should probably go a little more. No, I don't like having to get up early every day of the week, but it's where I should be. I even got to hold a cute little baby! Hopefully soon I will be looking forward to my own cute little baby... that's another story/thought.
It's still hard going and leaving alone, but I need to get my butt there and back to where I used to be. December will be here before I know it, and there are big things that I am working towards! YAY! :)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Rescue
Thanks to a friend of mine, I was driven to read a conference talk from this past April, and it really struck home to me on so many levels. Maybe I'm just really emotional right now or maybe my heart is ready to accept what I need in my life and to reach out to bring it in. I am not sure, but I am grateful for a day off to be able to be open to what I need at this time.
So the talk... The Rescue for Real Growth by Richard C. Edgley... read it! My soul is great in the sight of the Lord, and is worth so much. I don't feel all that great or worth that much, but He sees it. And He sees it in those around me. It's time to rescue myself so that I will be able to rescue my family - now and later.
So the talk... The Rescue for Real Growth by Richard C. Edgley... read it! My soul is great in the sight of the Lord, and is worth so much. I don't feel all that great or worth that much, but He sees it. And He sees it in those around me. It's time to rescue myself so that I will be able to rescue my family - now and later.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Get It Right
I have turned into a Glee follower. It is all because there was nothing on Netflix, and then I just got hooked. While watching this episode, I fell in love with this song as it fits a lot of how I feel more often than not. I keep hoping that my good will be good enough, and that one day I will get it right. It being work, marriage, friendship, house-keeping, the church... I really do try, and yet, it seems as if I just keep messing it up.
**See video above as it wouldn't post in here for me.**
**See video above as it wouldn't post in here for me.**
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
You know what I hate...
I really hate that I'm not close to my family. Seriously, I don't feel like I'm all that close to anyone in my family except for my parents. Which I absolutely love being close to my parents, but what about my brother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, and even my last living grandmother?! I think the last time I actually spoke to my brother was when he came home for a quick visit, and we really only saw each other for a few hours during that time... yea, that was back in like August/September. Why are some families so close, and some so far apart?! I don't like it, but I have NO clue how to fix it. UGH! And I feel so distant from them. I can be in the same room, and feel so scared and nervous. I will be completely loss for words, and yet, you put me in a store full of women I have no relation to in any way, I can talk to them with such ease. :-/ I want it fixed!!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Time for a New Week!
This past week has been a hard week, and I'm so glad it's over! It started on Sunday... Easter.
My father-in-law had a minor heart attack, and that was scary. Brandon and I spent some time with him that day, and just wondered what was going to happen. He is doing much better!
On Monday night, my Uncle Ron went into cardiac arrest while playing soccer - something he has done for years. I didn't find out about this till Tuesday, but it was a miracle in itself. There was a paramedic/fireman on the other team who was able to be right there to start the CPR/recovery process before help was able to get there. My uncle is doing well! He did have some blockage, but I don't think they know why his heart just stopped.
Tuesday was 4 years since my mom's mom passed away... from a heart attack. I miss my grandma so much! She passed away 62 days after my grandpa passed away. Yea, it's hard still!
The rest of the week hasn't been too bad. It's just been a blah week.
And then today... a friend of mine got some bad news, and I hate it. Her cousin was at the beach, and he was pulled under. They finally found him, and he is now on life support. So young, and it just shouldn't be happening. :-(
So yea, I am so ready for this week to be done and a new one to start!!
My father-in-law had a minor heart attack, and that was scary. Brandon and I spent some time with him that day, and just wondered what was going to happen. He is doing much better!
On Monday night, my Uncle Ron went into cardiac arrest while playing soccer - something he has done for years. I didn't find out about this till Tuesday, but it was a miracle in itself. There was a paramedic/fireman on the other team who was able to be right there to start the CPR/recovery process before help was able to get there. My uncle is doing well! He did have some blockage, but I don't think they know why his heart just stopped.
Tuesday was 4 years since my mom's mom passed away... from a heart attack. I miss my grandma so much! She passed away 62 days after my grandpa passed away. Yea, it's hard still!
The rest of the week hasn't been too bad. It's just been a blah week.
And then today... a friend of mine got some bad news, and I hate it. Her cousin was at the beach, and he was pulled under. They finally found him, and he is now on life support. So young, and it just shouldn't be happening. :-(
So yea, I am so ready for this week to be done and a new one to start!!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Bucket List
It's been awhile since I've blogged, and not a whole lot has happened out of the normal... work, taking care of my animals, celebrating my 2nd anniversary. Yea, not too much out of the norm. :)
Brandon and I had a wonderful anniversary. It was great to get away, and it was nice to have a whole week off from work. I probably should have gotten more done, but sleep was nice! It was nice to not have an alarm set, and to just move at my own pace for a few days. I spent time with my family, and enjoyed this amazing weather we have been having!
In regards to my bucket list, there is one item that I'm not 100% sure if it's one I'll ever reach, but one that I just kind of wanted to do even more after our trip. We took a tour of the Cowboy Stadium, and it's AMAZING!! I was so impressed by everything in the stadium. I would love to dance in that stadium! I would love to be in the middle of all the excitement. And the cool thing is, there is no age limit and the girls range from 18-36, and several have had families.
What do you think?! Would it be crazy for me to get in shape and ready to try out for the DCC -- Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders?!
Brandon and I had a wonderful anniversary. It was great to get away, and it was nice to have a whole week off from work. I probably should have gotten more done, but sleep was nice! It was nice to not have an alarm set, and to just move at my own pace for a few days. I spent time with my family, and enjoyed this amazing weather we have been having!
In regards to my bucket list, there is one item that I'm not 100% sure if it's one I'll ever reach, but one that I just kind of wanted to do even more after our trip. We took a tour of the Cowboy Stadium, and it's AMAZING!! I was so impressed by everything in the stadium. I would love to dance in that stadium! I would love to be in the middle of all the excitement. And the cool thing is, there is no age limit and the girls range from 18-36, and several have had families.
What do you think?! Would it be crazy for me to get in shape and ready to try out for the DCC -- Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders?!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Finding Answers
No, I haven't found any answers recently, but I have realized that I'm a little bitter about different things. I'm not the happy person I used to be, and that really bothers me. I want to be happy and cheerful. I want people to want to be around me. I want to be motivating again, and more of a positive person.
Well, I guess it's time I start trying to find those answers again. It's time that I really start seeking for where I am supposed to be. This is very hard for me, and I don't know why. It used to be so easy.
Yesterday my home teachers actually caught me at home after avoiding them for a few months... sorry. It's not that I don't like them, but I was just never here. I'm a busy lady. :) However, one asked me about my conversion... back when I was 16/17 years old. No, it didn't just touch me so deeply to go back to those days, but it did get me to thinking... I loved the Church then, why don't I love it now. A lot of it is the fact that I was searching for answers then and I've stopped. It's time to start searching again. Hopefully I will find some answers!
Well, I guess it's time I start trying to find those answers again. It's time that I really start seeking for where I am supposed to be. This is very hard for me, and I don't know why. It used to be so easy.
Yesterday my home teachers actually caught me at home after avoiding them for a few months... sorry. It's not that I don't like them, but I was just never here. I'm a busy lady. :) However, one asked me about my conversion... back when I was 16/17 years old. No, it didn't just touch me so deeply to go back to those days, but it did get me to thinking... I loved the Church then, why don't I love it now. A lot of it is the fact that I was searching for answers then and I've stopped. It's time to start searching again. Hopefully I will find some answers!
Monday, January 23, 2012
No Birth Control = UGH!
Well, I have started to get it out of my system, and I'm not looking forward to this time. Birth control has been a part of my life for 7 years, and the years I didn't take anything was the pits! Ever since my freshman year of high school, I needed it. Needless to say, that was the time I started to actually have a period even though I did start for like two days in 8th grade. Yea, VERY irregular!
It took care of me including the extra weight for 5 years, and I just knew I needed to get off for awhile. Then of course, I got on a few months before Brandon and I got married and once I actually found one I loved... just within the past year, I was happy! Very little, if any pain, and very short periods on a regular basis... unless I just totally didn't have one.
I stopped taking it not even a week ago, and I'm already feeling all the pain. UGH! I really hope this doesn't mean that I'm going back to have a period every two weeks with TONS of pain. :-/ Stephanie M. - Is this the pain in the butt you were talking about?!
It took care of me including the extra weight for 5 years, and I just knew I needed to get off for awhile. Then of course, I got on a few months before Brandon and I got married and once I actually found one I loved... just within the past year, I was happy! Very little, if any pain, and very short periods on a regular basis... unless I just totally didn't have one.
I stopped taking it not even a week ago, and I'm already feeling all the pain. UGH! I really hope this doesn't mean that I'm going back to have a period every two weeks with TONS of pain. :-/ Stephanie M. - Is this the pain in the butt you were talking about?!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Baby
No, I'm not pregnant, but I am trying to get ready for a baby. :)
What are some things you did to get ready? Did you really try to prepare your body?
Brandon's biggest thing with me is my eating habits, which I agree. They aren't the best, but they aren't HORRIBLE. What are some great, EASY recipes that will help me get ready for pregnancy. I want to make sure that I am able to give my future child the best start.
What are some things you did to get ready? Did you really try to prepare your body?
Brandon's biggest thing with me is my eating habits, which I agree. They aren't the best, but they aren't HORRIBLE. What are some great, EASY recipes that will help me get ready for pregnancy. I want to make sure that I am able to give my future child the best start.
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