Holidays

Christmas is just a couple weeks away, and I honestly can say I don't care.  There is one thing and only one thing that I'm excited about, and that is spending time with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law.

My brother and sister-in-law are coming down from NY, and will be at my parents the evening of the 25th.  I won't get to see them that much as I work the next day, of course, but I'll get to see them.  We are also taking family pictures on the 27th.  I'm excited as the last time we REALLY had family pictures were before Kevin and Shannon were even engaged.  Actually, they are saying that they had only been dating for like a month.  Guess we got lucky!  :)  She's always been very much a part of our family.

These pictures will probably be just as awkward as they were then as I'll be alone, and I never thought that would happen again.  And oh how that kills me!!  I could ask him to be a part of the pictures, but there wouldn't be any love between us or closeness.  It would really just be dull.  But I don't think he's even going to be in town as he's helping his parents move to Alabama and spending Christmas there.

We keep talking about trying to make things work, and we still see each other from time to time, but nothing is really changing.  Honestly, we are just pulling further and further apart.  He wants to move soon, and I don't want to move for awhile.  I want the temple, and he doesn't even want the gospel.  He wants to have guy nights every week, and I want to be a priority.

I never felt like I settled for him when I married him, but he certainly isn't the same person anymore.  It's hard to see that change, and wonder if I was just blind three years ago when I said yes.

All I know is that the holiday season is already a hard one, and this makes it that much harder.  Living alone is hard as I never thought I would come back to this.  Dreams of the future are starting to become more and more of a single me instead of a married me.  That kills me as one dream of mine involves having a husband.

I really don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, and I really don't know how it's going to all end.  I know what I feel, but there is still so much confusion, or maybe just a lot of fear.