It is past midnight, and I am still not asleep. I'm so drained and worn out, and yet, my body doesn't shut off. It doesn't make sense as I got maybe three hours of sleep last night (6:45am-9:45am, off and on), and worked a full day. I have a long week with three days of 12+ hours. Why won't things just stop?!
Just found out another friend of mine from high school is having their first child. There are others having their second as well. I'm happy for them, but at the same time, it hurts. Even though I know no one has a perfect marriage and that there are certainly different struggles for everyone, it is hard to see people celebrating multiple years and moving forward while I'm not even at three years and we just... do nothing.
All I seem to be able to do lately is cry, and it hurts so bad. I keep hoping I'll get a phone call or a text, but nothing happens. I keep hoping that me trying to fight for this marriage for an extra two months was worth it, and yet, I just seem to keep hurting more and more with nothing changing.
God gives us things that we can handle, and nothing more... or so that's what people say. I've even said it myself. I used to believe that, but seriously, I can't handle this much more. It's tearing me up.
I want to smile again... really smile. Faking is starting to become way too easy. And all I keep thinking is... am I not good enough? Am I not worth the fight? What have I done to deserve this kind of pain? Two years of pain is way too long!!
Maybe he's right... this is all my fault. I did this because I was the one that left.
Angela,
ReplyDeleteI can't say I know how you feel or anything, but I just want to let you know that you are amazing. I have always admired you and you've always been just amazing to me. When I was going through particular things when I walked the Lanana Creek trail that one time - I am grateful that you were there to understand me and be there for me. I'm grateful for those memories and for those times that we have! All the boy talk! :)
You're just an amazing person, a person I've grown up admiring! I just love you and think you are so fantastic.
But have you thought about getting a blessing? Those always help. But Angela just know more than ever, that Christ has experienced these things. He knows us, He knows how we are feeling - go to him. Get on your knees and pray. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there for us. I know that more than anything in my life. And I know you know that too.
And my favorite quote that Joseph Smith said is that happiness is the object and design of our existence. I just want you to be happy, find those ways that make you happy. Remember that.
You're amazing. You really are. If you want to grab lunch or anything while I'm in town in a couple of weeks - I'll be more than happy to meet up with you! :)
I love you!!
Love,
Megan