Limbo

As the days go by, I constantly wonder where my life is going to go.  I wonder what I should be doing or not doing.  Some situations become more awkward or hard, and others just become blank.  Some moments because full of happiness and others stress and pain.

This year has been a very hard year for me, and I have to say, I am ready for 2012 to be over.

I began this year with the hopes of  becoming a mom as Brandon had finally told me right before Christmas that he was ready to start a family.  I knew what I thought that meant, but it wasn't the same as what he meant.  The next couple of months were just filled with working two jobs and trying to figure out why we weren't trying for a family, really.

Our 2nd anniversary came in March, and we were able to get away for a couple of days.  We had fun as we went to Six Flags again and ate at Saltgrass.  Brandon told me that he really was ready to start trying for a family.  I was excited as that's what I wanted so much.  Of course, work kept going as it always does.  People around me were pregnant, and I was not.  I was not working two jobs anymore, and that was nice.

The summer rolled around, and life started to just get really hard.  I traveled some for work, and loved it.  Little did I know that Brandon hated it.  It was work... not a vacation.  Things started to get really hard for us, and I didn't know what was going to happen.  I started to talk to a counselor to see what I could do to make things better.  It helped a little, but it just wasn't changing.  I really thought things were going to end between us at this point.  We were pulling further and further away from each other.  We were starting to be more honest and direct in the things we said or how we felt.  Lies were starting to become truths, and they were hard to take.

Work kept going, and just seemed to get harder.  Maybe it was just the personal life getting harder which made everything else hard.  I don't know, but I started to lose a lot of happiness.  My smiles started to become more fake every day.

I started to take ballet, and wow, that was amazing!  It is amazing!  I'm not the best, and certainly have a lot of room to grow.  It's hard to make this almost 30 year old body do things that used to come so easily, and still does for those in my class.  But it's something I always loved, and well, if you love it, you make it happen.

"Make it happen?"  That's something we say so much, but love should just happen, not something you have to work at.  And yes, ballet for me is a love and it happens... but not to the level I would like.  But I work hard at it, and it starts to happen.  My marriage... we still talk about just making it happen.

Have you ever wanted something so badly in your life that you could taste it, smell it, and feel it so deeply, and yet, it felt so out of reach?  There are very few things in my life that I want so badly, but all of those things feel so very out of reach.

1) I want the temple!  I lost it a few years back, and it kills me.  December will be three years, and it has been three of the hardest years of my life.
2) I want a temple marriage... a marriage involving three people.  I want a marriage that is full of love and happiness and honesty and common goals.
3) I want a family.  It will be a process for me to get pregnant as I found that out this year.  I will have to take medication to hopefully get pregnant, and I hate taking any type of medication.  But I want to be a mother so much, and I always thought I would have my 4th kid by now or on their way.  And yet, I don't even know when I'll get to have the first.
4) I want to dance.  I forgot how much I loved dancing until I got back into it.  Some probably think I'm silly for dancing at my age, but it's the one thing that makes sense right now.  I wish it could be more of my life than just twice a week classes.

Truth, that's all I really want, and of course, different things play into each one of those desires, but they are the core of those things.

And my marriage hasn't always been horrible as we have had great moments, but where's the balance.  I still don't know what's going to happen, and it's hard.  The holidays are coming up, and I don't know what's going to happen.  Will we be together, or will we be apart?  Right now, neither of us feels married or single.  We are in such a limbo, and it's the hardest limbo to be in.  I feel like I should do something, but I have no clue what that something is.  I feel so stuck.