Pity Party

Sorry... but I just have to get things out of my head, and typing is usually the best way for me.

I'm starting to realize how very few friends I have, and it stinks!  I'm starting to realize that I have NO life.  I work, I dance (which is about to also be a job), and I come home.  Some days I'm lucky enough to throw in a movie or dinner with Brandon, but that's not too often.  Which I'm starting to get tired of just dinner and a movie.  This stupid town needs something to do besides going to a bar!!!  It's really not helpful when you have people giving up alcohol, and that's the only thing to do around here at night.  Yea - no wonder so many people are alcoholics!  :-/

I still have appearance issues, but I just don't know what to do.  Eating healthy is typically more expensive which means, hard for me to do.  Working out is great, but gets boring when you do it alone or when you just aren't sure what else you can do.  I just wish I could accept how I look, but I just can't.  I've gained weight back, and it's driving me crazy!  I want to be thin!  I want to like what I see in the mirror!

Oh how I want a baby!  I want a family.  It's so hard when you can't get pregnant.  It's so hard when everyone around you are having babies.  It would just be nice to for once feel like something was right in my life or actually just working out.  Sometimes I think I want to just get another kitten or puppy, but then I remember how much the ones I do have drive me crazy sometimes.

It would just be nice for a day or a week or whatever to seem to go right.

Oh - and last thing... it really stinks that I never really celebrated my 30th birthday!  I have so many friends doing fun things or having friends throw them parties... I had none of that!  I will say I was thankful that a friend of mine took me out to eat and my parents did as well, but seriously!  Everyone said I should do something fun and exciting; yet, they didn't plan anything.  I'm sorry, but I don't think I should plan my own dang party!!

Seems like forever..

It has been forever since I've blogged.  And although I don't know if anyone reads any of my posts, it's still a great way to just thoughts out or memories somewhere as I don't journal like I used to/should/need.

Well several things have changed in my life that I guess I could share...

1) My divorce was final February 7 which was also 5 years since my Grandpa Dillow had passed away.  (April 9 was 5 years since my Grandma Dillow passed as well).

2) I let go of the gospel and everything I was working towards.

3) My best friend got married on 3/16... 3 days after what would have been my 3rd anniversary.  Needless to say, I tried to kill a lot of brain cells that weekend without even realizing what was happening.

4) I finally woke up to reality and what was important!!

5) I gave up alcohol about 5 weeks ago.

6) I sank and came out of depression.

7) I moved back into my townhouse, and have realized that I am VERY poor.  A second job is something I'm starting to look into or just really giving up food and life.

8) Giselle is coming up very soon, and it's going well!  I'm realizing how out of shape I still am.  :-/

9) I lost and gained weight, and it makes me NOT happy!

10) I started to date my ex-husband.

My brain is constantly going, and just trying to figure out life.  So many decisions to make and so many things to figure out.  I just don't know what to do in a lot of situations, and it just seems like I can't wrap my head around any of it.  Oh how I hope and pray some answers come quick!!!

Dream

Do you wanna know the real reason why I came here tonight? Because I knew this was going to be hard for you. And for the first time in a really long time I wanted to be there for somebody….
But I want you to know that I think you deserve…I think you deserve more than what you’ve settled for. I do. I think you deserve to be taken care of for a change. I believe that.
-Kevin on 27 Dresses

I SOOO want this one day!!!  I want someone to want to take care of me.  I want someone to be there for me, especially through the hardest moments of life.

Aries

So let me start off by saying that this is not something I typically follow or really believe in; however, it's interesting when it fits so well.  It kind of makes me want to hope in it all.

Now, I came across this when I was looking up palm reading.  I was looking up stuff on palm reading as back in 2004, I had someone kind of read my palm without me just giving it to him.  He made a statement that bothered me then, but now is just kind of crazy.  He said that I would be married twice.  Well, I'm going through a divorce and hope to be married again in the next few years... yea, I'm curious.

So here is my horoscope for this year... and yes, this fits me REALLY well!!

		MARCH 21 to     April 19 Sign: Aries Name: Ram Ruler: Mars
General Advice A powerful, passionate momentum is slowly building in your life, and your train is finally coming in. Through the remaining months of the year, your spirit will be awakened, an event that will transform your existence -- the many dimensions of your sparkling personality will suddenly blossom. Brimming in spirit and fiery determination, your rebellious heart will cry to be set free. As exciting and arguous your spiritual journey will be, it will not be the highest mountain you'll have to climb. For the Aries, an enduring love will come calling. Aries Attributes Qualities=Cardinal, Fiery, Masculine Zones=Head The Sun in Aries You are a go-getter. You are head-strong and sometimes even impulsive. Your ambition leads you to new ideas and goals. Your energy and enthusiasm is great, however you can also be quite blunt at times, and are inclined to get straight to the point. You always seem to give off the impression of urgency and restlessness. Your self-assertiveness and self-directed ambition makes being your own boss an idea you should definitely look into. Despite the fact that you may have a short temper, grudges are something that you never hold for long.

Learning

It is day 15 of the new year, and I have not really done anything towards most of my goals this year.  Maybe they weren't real goals; maybe I just didn't make them all that important.  Either way, I don't know why I ever make resolutions every year... they fall through!

I have tried to see the good in every day, and most days I'm pretty good at that.  There are some days that are more of a struggle, like today, but I really do try to see the good.

Today I seem to just be facing reality, and trying to not get sick.  I had plenty of sleep last night, so I'm not really sure what's happening.  However, I do know what's happening in my life, and it's a stress.

As of right now, I'm learning to be single again.  I am learning to be me.  It's not easy as I haven't just been myself in 3 1/2 years.  Right now, I am just in a limbo stage as I'm not married, but I'm not divorced.  I am just waiting on papers to be signed so that a divorce decree and court day can be set and things finalized!  I am so ready to just close this chapter of my life and move forward.

Moving forward is going to happen, and I'm not really sure what that is going to entail.  I know some of the things I want to do, but I just have to figure out if they should happen or not, or how to make them happen.

Work is crazy!  We are still short staffed, and I am getting burned out.  Seriously - I just want to get away somewhere and do NOTHING!  Oh how I keep hoping for good people to apply and actually complete their applications!!

Speaking of work... time for me to go back.  There's my update for now.

Moving Forward

2013 is an exciting year!  It really is.  This year I am moving forward, and I'm going to love life!  I'm going to be happy every day, and I'm just excited!  If it continues like it already has been, I just don't see how it couldn't be a great year!!

Happy Moments

So I wanted to start keeping a journal every day about things that are good from the day; however, I have already missed the first day.  :)  It's typical.  Well, I figured I would just blog about good/happy moments and try to keep it as often as possible.

The first two days of the year have been great so far!

January 1 -- I brought in the day with a group of friends, and it was fabulous!  I love knowing that I have people I can be around, and that support me.  We didn't go to sleep till WAY too late, and of course, I had to leave their house WAY too early for work.  It was fun just being with friends.

January 2 -- Today has been great!  I have a new manager, and I'm excited!!  I think I will get a vacation soon!  :)